Dang.
Maybe it's a good thing though, since my knee has been bothering me. I'm anxious to go to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday to see what he says. It has been feeling much better and I haven't had to take any pain medication all week. I'm considering trying another run on Sunday to see if it still does bother me. At least then, I will either know I'm healed and just needed the rest or I'll have more information for the doctor by being able to say that even a week off of running doesn't help. I REALLY hope it's the former rather than the latter, but we'll see.
On the other hand, I do have a bike ride planned in the morning with my dad. Last Saturday when we rode, we went 16 miles. Hopefully I can talk him into going further this time! I'll be sure to record the ride on my app and post it on my Daily Mile widget. I love being able to watch the mileage add up.
Anyways, I had sort of an epiphany tonight. When my son hit one month old he got crazy. He was so fussy and cranky all the time. He cried and screamed pretty much all day and refused to take any sort of a nap. He would literally stay up all day and finally pass out from sheer exhaustion when he couldn't keep himself awake anymore in the evening. If you would have asked me a couple years ago if I ever thought I would have a kid, I would have laughed in your face. Something just hit me one day, and I decided I wanted a baby. So, while he was screaming and crying, and I was ripping my hair out with frustration and massive lack of sleep, I started seriously thinking of leaving. I was very, very, very close to packing my bags and disappearing forever. I regretted having a baby and thought I'd never be able to handle raising him. I honestly didn't feel a whole lot of love for my baby through this time. I even kind of blamed him for ripping away my happiness and leaving me with so much stress and anxiety. My husband, being the forever optimist that he is, tried to comfort me and told me that we were blessed to have him. I blew him off and continued to ask God why he hated me and cursed me with such a horrible baby, especially when I really never wanted a kid in the first place. Needless to say, at his two month check-up, my son was diagnosed with acid reflux, promptly put on a liquid Zantac prescription, and has been a completely different baby since. The day he started taking his prescription was the first day he smiled and laughed. He's stopped crying, only when he's hungry of course, he's stopped fussing, only when he's tired of course, and he hasn't quit smiling, laughing, playing and learning about his environment.
My epiphany is this - I AM blessed. And I feel awful for ever thinking I wasn't. I'm so blessed to have such a handsome baby. I'm so blessed to wake up every morning to his smiles and laughter. I'm so blessed to have the ability to give him his bath and sing to him every night before bed. I'm so blessed to look into his beautiful eyes while feeding him. I'm so blessed to be able to play peek-a-boo and pinch his nose and hug him. And boy do I hug him. I can't get enough of rubbing my nose into his neck and giving him lots of kisses. I'm blessed to have been able to even have him in the first place. My hubby is older, which could have effected our ability to get pregnant, but it didn't (we only tried for three months!). There really is no better feeling than the love you feel for your child.
I have to get this in writing now so I can be reminded of these feelings when he grows into a teenager (wink wink).
He makes me want to be a better person.
I've worked with needy children in my community for the past six years and have always felt terrible for those whose parents neglect or abuse them. Now, though, it's even worse because I could never imagine treating my son like that. I want to give him everything I can afford and then some. I want him to have all the opportunities in the world and will do anything in my power to make that happen.
Well, now that I'm all teary eyed and sentimental, I think I'll head to bed. Just give your kids an extra hug or kiss for me, would ya? And for Pete's sake, don't let a day go by without telling them how much you love them, ok?
3 comments:
LOL. I have 4 kids, ages 8 down to 3. A couple months back, I was looowwww. I remember showing and thinking that if I took my credit card and slipped out in the middle of the night, my husband couldn't track me because he doesn't know how to check the credit card account on line. I would slip away in the darkness, on foot, and find a job somehow and come back when the kids were all 18 and older - SERIOUSLY! Motherhood is so up and down. It's HARD! My baby, and only son, had reflux. He was my only reflux baby. Poor thing. He outgrew it by sitting up age. Yay. Congrats on your little man.
talk about similar... i could have wrote this blog post. we had the same thing happen to our little guy... zantac is amazing... he has been a complete different baby since. so happy you are enjoying your little boy! :)
I think it's totally normal to have those times when you really feel like you can't do this. Especially when they're still in the baby stage. But those moments pass. You have a very handsome son, enjoy!
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