victory

two weeks ago i weighed myself on a scale at the y... then, yesterday i did it again... the stupid thing weighs me more than my digital scale at home, BUT it was down 5 pounds from the original number... therefore, even if it's a few pounds off, i still lost 5 whole pounds over two weeks!!! that's a victory!! i'm so excited, and know that i just have to keep it up... i did gain ten pounds, so i'm still up five from where i was about a month ago, so i still have to keep at it... but my goal is getting closer and closer... even though i know i won't be where i wanted to by my birthday, which is at the end of april, i will be pretty darn close as long as i don't hit a super binge like i did before... yesterday wasn't so good, since we had my husband's birthday party... he wanted an ice cream cake, so we had that, and i made a cheesecake... then his daughter shows up with an apple pie!! dang it!! so you know i had to try all three... plus the crazy amount of chips i ate - i had practically the entire bag - and sloppy joes, i'm sure i was over my points (i refused to keep track)... but i didn't eat much during the day, specifically because i knew i'd be eating junk for dinner, and i worked out at the y for a while... hopefully i didn't put myself plus too many calories for the day... i'm not worried about one day though, i know i'm back on track today... i don't have any of those crazy cravings... and last week i was pms-ing, so i know i'm over the sweets cravings... other than the rain, today's looking to be a good day!! :)

i'm baaaaaaaaaack!

ok i know i haven't been on in a while, but i'm back... and i'm back in it! after gaining about 10 pounds, i really got down and depressed... and i know i kept saying today is a new day, but it really took a while to get back in the groove of eating healthy and exercising... but after the past five or so days of doing really well, i feel much better... i really had to ween myself off of my crazy bad eating habits... each day i cut it down a little at a time until yesterday i actually ate within my calories limits... and i've exercised a total of 4 hours since sunday, which is great for me... i realized those horrible eating habits are like a drug for me... i do fine for a while and then i falter... i have to put myself through something very similar to rehab to get back to normal... i just wish i could be like a normal person and not have these issues... and for me, it's not just one particular set of foods, like sweets or carbs... it's everything... i mean, i went through two bags of pretzel sticks, an entire jar of peanut butter, one package of oreos and a whole tub of ice cream, just to give you an example of a few things, in a matter of one week... who DOES that?

so yesterday, i ate my normal cheerios bfast, then a banana for snack... i had a sandwich and trail mix bar in the afternoon... when i got home i ate grapes and then had a 6 inch subway club for dinner... i did snack on a bunch of stuff after dinner and through the evening, but i refrained from eating too much and it was all relatively healthy things... AND we went to the local elementary school's bball tournament game and my husband and stepdaughter both had a thing of nachos and cheese... and would ya know i didn't have even one bite!! yay!! so i'm not completely healed, but i'm better...

isn't it funny that at the exact same weight one can feel two completely different ways about his/her body? i haven't gained or lost over the past few days, finally! but i've felttwo completely different ways... last week i felt so fat and nasty... i couldn't even look at myself in my full length mirror and threw fits when trying on some old clothes and realizing that they don't fit anymore... but today, i felt thin... aain, i haven't gained or lost, and those stupid pants still don't fit, but i feel like i look ten pounds lighter! mentally i know i'm not, but it's really great to feel that way! :)

anyways, i'm done rambling for the day... i'll post more now that i'm not so depressed... i just couldn't bring myself to share my embarrassment with you, world, knowing that i was eating my fmily out of house and home... not only was i closet eating, but i was hiding from my blog too... sad, right?

how to build a bridge and get over it: step three

empowering yourself through motivation...

find the motivation... FIND MOTIVATION... even when you get off track and gain about ten pounds in two weeks (like i have thanks to massive amounts of binging).... motivation will help you get it all back... motivation WILL help me get it back... and it differs in everyone... something that motivates me may not work for you... something that works for you may not work for me!

i've found mine here... online... on blogspot and blog to lose... i've found it in people that are struggling like me... i've come to realize that i'm not the only one in this world who is having these difficulties... which is helpful for me to know, because i hate feeling lonely... being lonely is my biggest fear... and not physically, because i'm so used to being by myself that sometimes when i'm physically around other people, such as my husband, i have a bad habit of forgetting they are there and getting lost in my own mind/world... no, i'm talking emotionally lonely... like feeling that i'm the only one in the world who can binge for two weeks straight and seriously damage what great accomplishments i've already achieved... but that's not true, because i can read other people's blogs and know that i'm not the only one and that everyone loses control (perhaps not to my extreme) and struggles at some point in the weight loss adventure... the fact that i can also read that other people can get over it is my motivation that i can too!

it's that motivation that keeps reminding me today is a new day... i can workout today... i can eat healthy today... i can control myself today... and if for some reason any of those three don't work out, i can start all over tomorrow... other people do it, so can i!

seriously?

so i've been doing relatively well this week so far... i'm not counting points, i simply need a break from dieting... or, i guess, being on a low-calorie diet plan, since we're not supposed to think of it all as "a DIET" blah blah blah... but seriously? i'm hungry right now? i just ate breakfast... i mean, it's only been less than an hour... and i'm hungry? seriously? SERIOUSLY? i don't know what i'm going to do with myself here... maybe it's from all the binging and my stomach has stretched out... which if that's it, how am i ever going to get back to a 'low-calorie diet plan' (blah blah blah)... fine, HOW AM I GOING TO GET BACK ON MY FRICKIN DIET?? it's dress down day at school, so we get to wear jeans... i put on my favorite pair, and they are too tight... TOO TIGHT? GREAT! i need to get back to it and lose the weight i've gained over the past month of nothing but binging, but how will i ever do that if i'm hungry ALL THE TIME?!?!?!

ok enough whining... i did ride my bike to school every day so far this week, which puts me at at least ten miles a day, which is a good start.. plus it's supposed to be really nice tonight, so i hope to log at least fifteen, if not twenty... (which, you'd think would help me lose weight, but it's not)... and then i plan to ride to the y tonight and lift some weights... i really should go to the deep stretch class, since some of my muscles are so tight, but i don't know if i'll quite make it... i mean, i have to be home at some point to cook dinner, right? cuz i'm hungry every five fllippin minutes! ok, ok, ok, i'll stop...

on a much more positive note, it's hump day! and st. patty's day!! happy green!

today is a new day!

ok so over the past two weeks i've gained 10 pounds... which is no shock considering the amount of food i've been consuming... and i didn't know what my problem was at all! but, today is a new day and i'm getting back into my weight loss groove... i was doing so good before, i know i can do it again... the only thing that really sucks is the fact that the pounds were soooo easy to put on, but are going to be tough to take back off...

on a hugely positive note, i rode my bike to school today... it felt amazing! it's a little chilly and rainy, but i know it's supposed to clear up, and warm up, for the ride home... i'm so excited, i hope to do this every day from now on... i really hope the weather cooperates...

i packed a great lunch, had a wholesome breakfast, and am planning a wonderful dinner... i can't wait to get these pounds back off!!! the best thing about today is how refreshed i feel and ready to go... i've been so depressed for no reason at all, which sort of explains the crazy eating, but i'm finally back to being my real self...

one final note, my bedroom is almost done and my wonderful hubby bought me a new bed a mattress, which will be in by the end of the week... pics to come...

life is good :)

building that bridge - step two

rethinking your life...

basically, a diet has to be a lifetime committment to work... yeah, great... can you sense my disappointment? why can't we just eat what we want and stay within healthy weight ranges? last night i went overboard again.. i had, like, 10 reduced fat oreos... (i know, i know, so much for giving up sweets for lent)... the reduced fat part doesn't really make a difference when you eat that many! plus the milk i drank with it... i give up on myself! i guess i'm not quite to step two yet... i mean, i've lost lots of weight so far, but to get where i really want to be isn't going to come like this! i fit into the pants i wore when i was truly happy with myself, but they are a little too tight for comfort... that's not enough for me! how did i LIVE at that weight?? i just can't seem to do it now! i'm just so obsessed with what i eat and when i'm hungry and what my cravings are that it's nearly impossible for me to live normally...

well enough with the negativity for a while... i did get to go for a bike ride last night! i did about 15 miles!! it was a sinch, though, we stayed on fairly level roads and all... it was just so nice to get outside and the weather was beautiful for once to finally do so... it was my first time riding with clips though, so as you can imagine i struggled a little... as a matter of fact, at first i sort of forgot about them... there was something rubbing on my tire as i was going down my driveway, which is dirt rather than gravel or even pavement... i stopped to check on what was going on and totally forgot that i had to unclip my feet before i stopped... there i went, flop, tipped over and on the ground... i had to laugh at what it must have looked like, because i stopped and, well, just fell over... i was pretty ticked, though, because my pants and jacket, which is light blue, are brand new and now completely muddy! grrr... but again, with how much i was laughing at myself, it was easy to shrug off the dirt... after that i was extremely conscientious of my clips! :)

this morning was soooo nice i had a major itch to ride to work, but i don't have a backpack or anything yet, and therefore would have no way of lugging my clothes and laptop (and everything else i drag to work with me) to school... and i'd have to wear riding clothes and change for fear of getting my dress clothes yucky...

back to the original topic, i guess i'm just not passed step two yet... maybe i'm not even ready to be there yet... i'll just have to keep working at it... i need something to distract me, and hopefully this bike riding will be just that... there must be a void somewhere in me that i'm filling with concentrating so much on food... i guess i'll find out sooner or later

when i fall off the wagon

the damn thing runs me over! the past three days have been terrible! i'm pretty sure i have a serious disorder... i couldn't control myself as far as eating... i would eat everything in front of me and then some... let me just give one small example - yesterday morning i had about two cups of cheerios for breakfast, then my stepdaughters got up and i asked them if they wanted breakfast... they decided on pancakes, so i made them a bunch and of course there were a few left over... so guess what i ate! second breakfast! then we went out for lunch and i ate all of my food, which was a roman burger and fries... at dinner i ate all of my spaghetti and then the rest of my husbands! oh - by the way - both lunch and dinner were restaurant meals... lovely! by the time we got back, i ate a huge piece of cake for a nighttime snack...

that was just sunday too... friday and saturday were even worse... we went to a reverse raffle saturday night and i had two desserts and six drinks on top of my massively overflowing dinner plate...

i decided i'm bulimic, just without the purging... just binging and binging and binging... friday i literally ate so much my stomach hurt for hours after... i don't know what to do with myself after a weekend like that... i realize, mentally, that it is my own fault, and that i should be able to control myself... but the reality of how many calories i've consumed totally depresses me... how could i possibly fall off the wagon that bad? i was doing so well with my eating and staying in points and everything... i think the whole thing started with wednesday night when i realized how many points my dinner at perkins costed me... and then it was just downhill since... and the thing that really sucks, is i gave up sweets for lent... yeah, that didn't work out too well... i just can't believe i let myself, and God, down that much... it's really depressing... this week i'm going to have to spend the entire time trying to make up for what i've ruined in just three days...

i just have to say so much for my journey... so much for keeping myself under control... so much for lent and so much for my one pound loss... so much for going back on weight watchers... i just don't know what to do, other than dredge on, in attempt to make up for all that i've lost...

how to build that bridge: step one

a good foundation and strong pillars...

my first step is coming to the conclusion that i can't change anything about my past... but what i can change are the choices i make that lead to my future... this is something hard to get used to, because it's all about making healthy choices in order to control and maintain the weight i've lost, along with losing additional weight to get to where i want to be.. and need to be!

the conversation has come up recently and was discussed on ABC's Nightline Face Off about is it ok to be fat? and my opinion on the whole thing is based around the definition of fat... see, my husband is overweight and i don't think he's fat... sure, he has a belly, but that's it! if you were to measure both of our thighs and hips, he's much smaller than me... and when he flexes his arms, they are pure muscle (grrr :) ).. but according to his bmi, he's actually considered obese... sure, he could stand to lose a little weight, but his body is fine to me... he needs to lose a little to lower his blood pressure and simply to feel more comfortable, but i don't think he'll ever not be considered overweight with the amount of muscle he carries around... not to mention, he's started his journey to lose those extra pounds of fat... that's ok...

back when i was fat, i was so depressed about my weight... but i didn't do anything to fix it... that's not ok... people who don't care about how their weight is negatively effecting their health, that's not ok... people who choose not to do anything about weight, especially if they are to the point where it is detrimental to their health, that's not ok... i don't see fat as people who are necessarily overweight or even obese... i don't consider plus sized overweight unless the person is sloppy about it... there's a fine line, but there IS a difference...

well enough about the weight issue and on to my terrible night last night... we ate out at perkins! i ordered the shrimp basket with herb rice rather than french fries... i did eat the roll but with very minimal amounts of butter (i mean not even enough to be a whole tsp)... when i got home, i looked up the calories on their website and put it into the WW calculator to figure out points.. HOLY *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* you know that meal cost me 28 points! and i only get 20 points a day! that was on top of what i had already eaten for lunch, breakfast and snack! the most ridiculous point, yes that wasn't even the worst of it, i was so depressed over the whole thing i chose to comfort myself with even more food! what an idiot! i just figured, well i blew it for the week, so now it's over, i'm done... so great, now i have to pick up the pieces of my stupidity and try to manage through the rest of this week without going over by too much eat day since i only have 7.5 weekly points remaining! another thing is that i had every intention to jog, well let's be honest - walk, on the treadmill last night and didn't do that either!

i go around and comment on blogs and try to give advice and the i don't even listen to myself! NO MORE! if i can't listen to myself then i can't give the advice... so for punishment today, i'm not commenting on anyone where i will be giving advice, only encouragement... i'm not mad at myself for eating out... 28 points? i can get over that.. it's what i did afterward that i'm sooooo ticked about! and i don't even have anyone to blame... and it put me in an edgy mood and i snapped at my hubby for something silly and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... this has to stop!

now on top of getting over my past i have to get over my present... i feel like i'm even worse off than i was before... but overall, it's not ok for me to live like i was (fat)... and these struggles? well they'll be worth it in the end...

my first award!!

i got my first blogger award!! yay!! thanks to kelly at journey to a new me

i have to pass it on to 12 people, so i chose blogs i read most often, those that inspire me, and some that are just really cute :) here it goes, in no particular order:

1. sarah at operation size 8

2. linds at ramblings of a fat girl

3. mrs fatass at did i just eat that outloud

4. debbie at becoming an ex yo-yo dieter

5. purple_moonflower123 at it's not a diet, it's a weigh of life

6. spunkysuzi at spunkysuzi working towards a healthier me

7. monica at confessions of a + sized girl

8. kelly at journey to a new me (i know you gave it to me, but i'd give you one too, so here :) )

9. the accidental fat chick at (self-titled)

10. tonyne at the unlikely success story

11. jack at jack sh*t gettin fit

12. syl at live, smile, run

thank you all for motivating and inspiring me to be a new person! i've really stepped up my efforts! you all make blogging just that much more enjoyable :)

how to build a bridge and get over it

i was always a chubby kid... as a matter of fact, my mother always said that if you compare my baby pic to my younger sister's, we look like twins, and the only way to tell us apart (other than the massive difference in styles :) ) is that i am the chubbier one... i remember talking to a friend at the age of 10 about having big thighs... at ten! i also remember being made fun of for how i wore my pants (i had to pull them up high because that was the only way they'd fit without digging into my belly)... even now, after losing quite a bit of weight, when talking to my sister, she has reminded me on several occasions that i was once the 'fat one'... and it's not the typical teasing between sibs, she's serious and says it so matter-of-factly because she doesn't realize it still stings a little...

after reading a lot of posts and articles and watching some videos, i've decided to finally begin patching my wounds... it's time to get over the past and focus on a future... in watching biggest loser, i see those people breaking down and talking about their terrible pasts and then continuing with great weight loss success... i think that's a huge aspect of being successful in the weight loss realm... and i just haven't accepted my past for what it was yet... i just haven't totally forgiven myself for what i can't change... but today, i've made the choice to finally start... now, it's time to figure out how...

welcome to tuesday

that's what i heard on the radio this morning... my first thought? ugh it's only tuesday...

woke up this morning five minutes before the alarm went off... i was so motivated i actually jumped right out of bed... amazed myself actually... i started week five of the c25k program this morning... although today wasn't so bad, i'm not looking forward to the next couple days... running is so boring to me, i have such a hard time going for more than five minutes at a time...

ate my usual breakfast - multigrain cheerios with blueberries... altho i did have a full cup of milk this morning... that adds an extra point to my morning... i was just really in the mood for a little extra...

looking forward to dinner tonight, i've got the chicken marinading overnight in the fridge... it looks delish! also looking forward to yoga... am. going. for. sure.... missed it last week for a stupid reason (the hubby wanted to stay and watch the next boys bball game after we had team pics taken... doesn't he know he was messing with my schedule!)...

i've taken to drinking a couple cups of coffee in the morning now... i really think it helps wake me up and get me going for the day... that reminds me, i still have to perk it yet! gotta go!

the naked scale

SCALE VICTORY!!! today is my weigh-in day and i lost one whole pound!! yay!! last week truly paid off, getting back into WW... i highly recommend them! i do mine online - i wouldn't want to go to the meetings and stuff... tonight i'll be at spinning class, earning three aps (it prob should be more, but i always underestimate the aps and overestimate the regular points)... and after lunch i'll still have 12.5 points for the evening! what a day!! i hope i can keep this up...

operation 15-10 starts tonight too... i can't wait... i did 100 floors on the stair climber yesterday, so the 20 floors a week thing will be easy... i'm mostly keeping the numbers very small to start anyways, because the friend i'm doing this with is just starting out on her journey... but we'll work up to higher numbers... this 12 week period ends in may, so after that new numbers will come out... plus, we set it up for success this time around, making the numbers pretty easy to reach per week... hopefully nothing major gets in the way, like sickness (i've been out for over a week, just now feeling up to par again)...

i can't wait to get back into swimming... i really need to train for the mini-triathlon i hope to do in july... it's going to be relatively easy - swim 250 yards, bike 7 miles and run 2 miles... i can do the latter two right now, it's just the swimming i'm panicking over... see, i'm a very weak swimmer right now, even with all my cardio workouts... i tried swimming the length of the pool, and couldn't make it even half way...

other than all that, i'm very happy today... i have lots of energy (prob due to the two cups of coffee i had this morning)... on track so far! happy march first to all!! ttyl world

(by the way, if you're wondering about the title, yes, that's how i weigh myself! lol!!)