Friday, May 28, 2010
1. If you could be a flower, which one would it be and why?
a daisy, just because it's my favorite flower!
2. Which Sex and The City Character do you most relate to? (Thanks Jenny)
3. If you had a crystal ball or could know one thing about the future - what would it be?
gee, this is a hard one... i guess i'd want to know what my life will be like in 20 years... just one look into the future to see where my life has taken me... to know if i'm going to be happy, whether or not i'll have kids, where my career takes me, all that stuff...
4. What's your biggest fear in your weight loss journey?
that i will never have the body i dream of
5. Repeat question: Whose blog or comment spoke to you the most this week and why?
honestly, i don't remember really reading anything in particular, just several different blogs talking about the struggles of losing weight and that it can be achieved if you keep your chin up and move forward...
well i can't wait for the weekend to get underway!! mine started yesterday, since i'm off for five days straight wooooohooooooo, but everyone else had school/work... sooooo, tonight is the beginning of the party that'll last all weekend!! we've got enough tequila and margarita mix to get the entire state of ohio wasted!!
anyways, i'm off to get a shower... have a wonderful holiday weekend everyone!!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
i won my SECOND BLOG AWARD!!!! YAY!!!! thanks to laura @ mama's fit life...
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.
3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.
well, i was going to get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, but i woke up on friday morning lookin real
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
tho, i'm still tired of looking in the mirror, or putting on clothes, and thinking about how much weight i've gained... i know i'm not HUGE, but i certainly feel it... i'm not meant to be this big... i know it... my ring size, like for my wedding ring, is 4 1/2... yeah you read that right - 4 1/2... and my collar bones have always stuck out! everything from my boobs up are tiny yes even my boobs, anyone want to donate to the crystal's boob job fund?? the hubs even makes fun of the size of my head he's just jealous that such a large brain can fit into a small space but, the further down you go, the bigger things get! until you hit my toes, which are petite like my fingers... and cute too...
i don't know... i'm proud of myself for not falling into binges lately... and i'm happy with the amount of activity i've been doing... and i'm really trying to get back into the weight-loss mode... i'm just impatient and need to slow myself down... keep reminding myself that i'm going day to day... it's working for now, but i'm deathly afraid of another binge hitting...
but hey, life goes on with or without us, right?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
now i've mentioned before that i SUCK at softball... i'm certainly the worst on the team... i really think the only reasons why i actually get to play is 1. it's a church league and they have all those moral issues on fairness and 2. my dad is kinda the coach... but LET. ME. TELL. YOU. the team played awful! we were mercied like 14 to nothing... and who got one of only two actual hits the entire game?? yeah, that's right baby, me... suckas!
so after the game, which was at six, the hubs rushed me to my oa meeting... i got there at 7:30, and it starts at 7, so i was late... i knew i would be tho, but i wanted to go anyways... this totally shows dedication out of me, because i wouldn't normally walk into a meeting a half an hour late - i'd just skip it all together... but i really really REALLY wanted to go... so we pull in and there's all these cars... i was so excited because the last meeting i was at, there were only four of us... there had to be ten cars there!! HELLO - this should have been my first sign! by the way, let me add that at this point it was raining... anyways, so i made the hubs wait til i was sure i could get in and then he could leave - he was going to just come back and pick me up when the meeting was over... so i get in and he leaves... i walked downstairs and walked right into the meeting, announcing 'sorry i'm late, i was at a softball game, which you can tell from my lovely uniform here'... all of a sudden it hits me - this is totally not the oa meeting... as a matter of fact, there were a couple people in there that i even knew... they all just stared at me... i could hear the freaking crickets! by this time my face was on FIRE... i was like 'oh, ummmm, ummmm, ummmmmm, i don't think i'm in the right meeting', quickly said hi to the peeps i knew, turned around and dashed out... i'm pretty sure i ran out of there faster than i ran to first base in the softball game... so yeah, the oa meeting must have been canceled or not enough people showed up or something... nice, huh? yeah, nice and EMBARRASSING... i went outside, called the hubs to come get me right away, and waited in the lovely rain... i couldn't stand under the overhang, because there was a window down to where the people were having their meeting and they would have saw me just standing there... WHAT. A. FIASCO.
by the way, i just want to mention - is it wrong of me to wonder if i could get away with bringing a couple snacks to my oa meetings? just checking, because the thought occurred... i need help!
anyways, so on Blog to Lose, i decided to join a weekly challenge group... this week, the challenge is to have no nighttime snacks... i did very well last night! the only thing was, the hubs 'surprised' me by stopping at dairy queen after he picked me up from my embarrassment non-existent meeting... he had no idea that i was trying not to have snacks, so he thought he was being a sweetie (it's usually me BEGGING to go to dq!)... i ordered a blizzard and again, ate half and put the other half in the freezer... i was soooo proud of myself, once again (i just did this the other night as well)... that wasn't really considered a 'nighttime' snack seeing as how it was only 7:30, so i figured i was ok... and then, as we were laying in bed, the hubs announced he was hungry and went to make popcorn... OMG it was hard to resist... but i did! YAY!! day one of the challenge - success!
plans for tonight - dentist appt. right after work, then grocery shopping for dinner, then core class and yoga! stay strong everyone!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
we rode some of the time with a boyscout troop who was riding for charity... this is the group of us :) i look like SUCH a dork! i hate getting my picture taken!!
anyways, i did end up skipping a ride on friday and saturday... friday i had no motivation and saturday the hubs and i ended up staying in bed watching tv until NOON! it's been soooo long since we've done that! it was really nice just spending a little time together...
but i really think i'm back in it... i mean, i got the phone call from kathy the lady in the picture who is on her knee - the first on the left pretty much demanding that i join them on the ride... (when i say them, i mean kathy and vivian in the picture, she's the crazy white-haired lady with the neon green coat and yellow helmet on the right... they planned to ride from where we live to where the boyscout ride was going to start, which is about 15 miles away... then, they were riding the 10ish miles with the boyscouts and riding back home) that's what i really needed - someone to kick me in the rear end! so i went and had a wonderful time... now that lovin' feeling is back! i'm anxious to get back on my bike... too bad it's freaking supposed to rain today :(
tonight we're supposed to have a softball game, but it might get rained out... that wouldn't be such a bad thing, because the game is at six and my OA meeting is at seven... that'd mean i'd have to miss some of the meeting and i really don't want to do that... i mean, it'd be different if i have been going for a while, but since this is only my second meeting, i really want to be there...
by the way - i ate like a normal person yesterday!! we went out to breakfast, i had a couple snacks on the ride, we stopped during our ride at a place and ordered two subs and split them between the three of us and then i had chili for dinner... i did have two cookies throughout the day, but no big deal on that... i even only ate one bowl of chili for dinner! too bad i did a little extra drinking over the weekend... and some major snacking... but still no binges!
now that i've gotten my exercising back into a decent routine, i'm going to start focusing on my eating more... i mean, i've def. made progress as far as the binging, but i think it's kinda time to worry about what i'm eating when i do eat... i'm still not going to jump right back into counting calories and stuff, i don't want to push it too much... you see, i'm trying to get back into this whole weight-loss thing slowly so i don't overdo it and end up freaking out and binging for a week like i've done in the past... i think i just get so stressed out over the whole idea of calories and weight that i slip into a food-induced coma to get away from the stress... and that's the opposite of what my goal is! so.........
ok, to the y after school with my bad self and then perhaps softball game plus OA meeting for tonight... also - no binges... one day at a time folks! happy monday everybody!
Friday, May 14, 2010
new questions thanks to Drazil... if you want to play along, you just copy and paste the q's into your own blog!
1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?
ooo, this is a tough one... i guess i'd be spongebob... he seriously has the best life, just always chillin underwater with his pals... and he's silly acting, just like me... and he's cute :)
2. Who was your teenage heart throb?
DEFINITELY mark-paul gosselaar (zack) from saved by the bell.... HOT!! well, not so much nowadays, but smokin back then, baby!
3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?
seriously massive food addiction for me... i mean, if i hated food, or was picky like my sister is, i'd be ok... but NOPE, that's not me... i'll eat just about anything you put in front of me... or at least try it... i have no food allergies to hold me back either... there are some mental aspects to this, which come into pay when i binge, but mostly i just like the process of tasting and chewing and everything else...
4. What’s your all-time favorite song?
ummmmmmmm.. this is a tough questions because i LOVE music and have tons of favorite songs... i guess if i were completely forced to pick just one, i'd say 'if i ain't got you' by alicia keys... it's mine and my husband's song, and is what we danced to at our wedding... but seriously, i have about a thousand close runner-ups...
5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.
i'm so sorry, but i can't remember who's blog this came from... if there is anyone out there that can remind me, please do so and i will adjust this post... but i read somewhere that someone's goal is to remind themselves that they won't starve before their next meal... like, if dinner's a little later than usual, nope, won't die... and that's what i've been keeping in mind all week... i tend to kind of freak when i don't eat dinner at a certain time... this is often where huge binges come in... i'll start by just grabbing a snack to tie myself over til dinner, and then BAM i've eaten us out of house and home... i'm not going to starve! there's no possible way! as a matter of fact i could probably live for quite some time without food, with all this extra flab i've accumulated... there, HA, that's finally one thing i've got over my sister... not only has she always been better at sports, and had straight teeth (which was a major issue for me all my life til i was finally given the chance to get braces), but she's always been skinnier, much skinnier actually, than me... but hey, if we were ever on a deserted island without food, i'd SO live longer than her!! lol....
anyways, i taught my aerobics class last night... add another 45 minutes to my activity points! but it wasn't lookin too nice out, so i didn't take my bike with me... and being that i didn't, i was unable to go on the ride i usually do (see, i'd have to go straight from the y to where everyone meets to ride if i want to go)... so i didn't ride my bike last night... that makes it pretty much a week since i've been on my bike, which is NOT good... it's been raining and yucky! but tonight and this weekend, i'm totally changing that... i HAVE to get some riding in if i'm going to make it through my 150 mile ride coming up in june!
i did start a little binge right after school yesterday, but i was able to keep it to a minimum and stop myself... i started with a pear, which led into some graham crackers and milk, and then i went for a bowl of cereal... that's where i stopped... i was pretty proud of myself... also, we went to dairy queen and i ate half my blizzard and put the rest into the freezer for later... i finally feel like i'm almost eating like a normal person! this focusing on the word ENOUGH is really doing wonders... makes me excited to see what i learn about at the next oa meeting on monday!
overall i don't have much to write about today... luckily i've been pretty steady emotionally (which makes my husband happy!) and relatively good with eating (though not the best and certainly not like i should be if i want to lose weight, but much better than it has been!)... my activity is going well (minus the lack of bike riding) and i have really nothing to complain about (well almost nothing, but i'm not going there, lol)... it's kinda nice for once :) i hope everyone has a great weekend, and i'll see everyone back here in blogland on monday!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
anyways, so i did go to the y right after school... i was cut ten minutes short because of having to get my stepdaughter from school, but the total time was still 50 minutes...
i actually did the elliptical, which seemed to get the job done as much as a treadmill does... i did that because my knee and ankle were kind of hurting, and i've heard the elliptical is better on your joints... i don't really like it as much (and when i say 'like it' what i really mean is 'completely freaking despise it'), but i think i made a wise choice...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
yep, that's a 2.5 loss! and that's only over like four days... ok, let me explain, i weighed in after eating dinner, and this weigh in is before eating dinner... soooooo, i think that has something to do with it... BUT, i'll take it...
anyways, my activity minutes are way low! only 105... it will definitely be better this week, though... i have a lot of catching up to do... and i will... because i have some miles to get under my belt anyways in prep for the ms ride... not to mention my goal to go to the y after school everyday to keep me away from the inevitable binge that seems to occur around 3 o'clock...
anyways, so there it is... good luck to everyone for the upcoming week!
anyways, so i'm weighing in later today... this is how my typical morning goes - my alarm goes off and by the time i'm done hitting snooze, i have to hit the ground running to make it to work in time... i'm still half asleep through it all, but luckily my body knows the routine and kinda runs on its own... after frantically doing my hair, getting dressed, packing my lunch, etc, i take the dog out and wrestle with getting him back in after he's done his business... generally it starts with, come on, then COME ON, then GET THE HELL IN HERE, NOW!!! after all that, i fly down the driveway, screech onto the road, and drive like a maniac to get to work... nevertheless i'm usually late... i don't feel too bad, my trailermate (yes, i teach in a trailer, there are only two of us in here, so it's kinda nice, yet sucks really bad when it's raining/snowing because we have to walk in and out of the building, but i digress...) gets to school later than i do, AND leaves earlier! so, needless to say, i have absolutely no time to weigh-in in the morning... i don't think i could take a very good pic of the scale with my eyes only half-opened anyways...
i'm honestly expecting a gain anyways... i just decided to participate on saturday, and spent all day sunday binging (that's the day i ate the entire container of ben and jerry's ice cream)... i did rather well on monday, but yesterday was another story... i ate five cookies and two bowls of tortillas at work... then i ate one and a half donuts at home... there's a story behind that, but i'll get to that in a minute... anyways, that all was on top of everything else i usually eat, so...
ok, so the donut thing - yesterday, after school, i knew to try to keep myself busy, so i ran to walmart... i walked around for quite a while, picking up random needs... then i got home and my stepdaughter was there working on her essay... so i brought my laptop into her room and kept her company by reading some of my fave blogs to her (this is one i read, which i happened to stumble on yesterday, and it was hilarious in a kind of sick way)...
after that i went into the living room to catch an episode or two of law and order: svu... my fave law and order, btw... if it ever comes to me having to rape and kill someone, i feel pretty confident i could do it without being caught, just from all the mistakes i've seen the perps make on that show... not that i'd ever do that, but i'm just saying... ANYWAYS, by this time it's like 6 and i'm STARVING!!!! so i call the hubs and he's busy, and he says he just wants to go out to dinner tonight... so, being that he'll be home shortly, i eat a pear... then a salad...
then, the donuts are calling my name... i can pretty much hear the bastards... i start pacing... i call the hubs back... 'you have to get home now' i say... he gets ticked cuz he hates when i'm demanding... o well, it has to be NOW... so i eat a donut... then i start to eat another... i'm conscious of what i'm doing tho, so i take that one and the rest of the box and throw them into the trash... THERE! HA! TAKE THAT!! i'm literally yelling at the donuts... how psycho is that?!?!?!?!? i spent the rest of the time pacing the livingroom, desperately trying to focus on the episodes of svu to keep my mind off the donuts... even from the trash can they are calling my name... by the time the hubs gets home, which is like 6:30, i'm in tears freaking out... I'M INSANE! i'm completely freaking nuts!!!
we went out to dinner and i comforted myself with a turkey/ham/bacon club with sweet potato fries... not TOO bad of an option... i stayed away from the fried crap and chose wheat bread... so, i ate half the sandwich and looked at the other half... i remembered the word enough... have i had enough? well yes... but, did i end up eating the other half? yeppers... i failed to set the half aside and take it home or something, but i triumphed in that i actually THOUGHT about whether or not i was full!!! that's a start!!! maybe next time i'll have the strength to stop! i don't know... it just felt great to even have that thought...
anyways, we got home and i cuddled up in the hubs's arms and watched the end of the biggest loser... they are looking AMAZING by the way.. i was really rootin for sunshine tho, she's come a LONG way... i did end up eating a jello pudding thing, but then i fell right asleep... today, i've had one cookie and haven't made my way to the lounge for more... i CAN do this dammit...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
that's me getting on the treadmill... there were only two other guys there... it was nice that it wasn't so busy... i hate when it's crowded
yep, you're reading that right, 45 minutes on the treadmill... it felt really good... i did a 5 min warm-up @ 4mph, then intervals of 10 min @ 6 mph, 5 min @ 4mph, 5 min @ 6 mph, 5 @ 4, 5 @ 6, 5 @ 4, 5 @ 6 and then a 5 min cool-down at 3 mph... my shins were SCREAMING tho!! and today my right knee and both hips hurt a little... but that's ok, it's worth it!
yeah, that's right, that's me in my sweaty glory! look at those hairs on the back of my neck completely soaked... mmmmm, yummy... :)
anyways, i'm really happy i went... right after that i went grocery shopping... i didn't buy anything unneccessary except for sugar free worther's candies... come on, they're only 5 calories per piece... even if i go crazy and eat the whole bag, it's only like 50 calories... i'm cool... then i ate two bowls of beef stew and two and a half biscuits... could have done without the biscuits and should've left it at one bowl of stew, but at least i didn't go overboard! i was really happy about that one... at softball practice i did run around, but unfortunately i was only there for a half an hour because i had my OA meeting... so i didn't get much activity in, but it was still fun... and hey, don't have too much faith in me, i SUCK at softball... it's an adult church league so they have to let me play :)
and now, for the best part of the post - OA... sooooo, it was a little different than what i expected... but i guess i really didn't know what to expect really... it was just a basic meeting... kind of an introduction, but all the members had been there for a while... there was a guy who, at 93 years old, has been coming since the 1970s... they talked a lot about weight loss and little about food... at the end, the leader asked if i had any questions... i said, i guess i just want to know where to start... i mean, if it were the simple case of sugar addiction, it'd be easy to just say 'ok, i'll cut out sugar'... don't get me wrong, it'd still be a tough struggle, but at least i'd have a start... but i'm the classic case of overeater, where i'll eat just about anything... i mean, i'll sit down with an apple, and next thing i know, i'll have eaten 4 or 5... don't ask me where i put it all... so, i asked, what do i do... she said to start with the first step - admitting i'm powerless to food... i said i've already done that, but she asked 'really?' have i REALLY admitted to being powerless? she said to start with the definition of powerless....
Powerless - Function: adjective
Date: 15th century
1 : devoid of strength or resources
the devoid of strength and resources really hit me... i mean, i've always thought of myself as a pretty strong person... i've never had an addiction to anything... unless you ask the hubby, he'd say clothes... and resources? well i guess OA is one, but i have nothing else to help me out of this addiction... i mean, admitting that i'm powerless is one thing, but finding the true meaning behind it is another... this is just one thing i really have to think about and meditate on...
the leader also told me to look up 'enough'... she said she's contemplated tattooing it on her arm so everytime she lifts her hand to put food in her mouth she'd be reminded of what's enough!
Enough - Pronunciation: \i-ˈnəf, ē-, ə-\
Date: before 12th century
: occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations
i found it ironic that the sample sentence in that definition contained the word 'food'.... so, i'm left to question myself on what is enough? is an entire bag of pretzel sticks in one setting enough? or is just a handful? how much food is truly enough to fullfill my health needs... the leader also mentioned writing it on a notecard and sticking it to the fridge as a reminder for everytime i go to get something to eat... i'll tell you one thing though, i've definitely had E.N.O.U.G.H. of this obsession and addiction!!
finally, the leader talked about coming up with a food plan... that's where i'm really going to struggle... i was in weight watchers for years, and all i can think about is the points values for different foods... but my problem was, yeah, i could eat those set points, but was i really getting the true nutrition i needed? i mean, i LOVE milk, but i never drank it when i was on ww because a cup is 2 points... and when your hungry, you don't want to waste points on MILK... and who knows the long term effects of not getting enough calcium... WAIT, there's that word again, enough!
overall, i have to say the OA meeting wasn't a complete waste of time... i got a little out of it, not as much as i had expected... but they stressed several times that this is no quick fix... they mentioned patience in just about everything they said... it's a process that i'll have to work on, not just some overnight revelation and cure... so i'm not going to give up... one person i talked to said the goal is to try at least 6 meetings... if after 6 i think it's not for me, than ok... but at least give it a shot 6 times... so that's what i'm going for - 6 meetings... next monday we have a softball game, so i'll be late to the meeting, but i'm going to go... i'm hungry to find out what's in store (get it, hungry? ha!)
Monday, May 10, 2010
there's a lil summin summin stuck on my scale, but yes, that reads 163.5... and YES that's a ladybug tatoo on my toe (i LOVE ladybugs :) ).... anyways, i have to tell you the story as to why i'm so late on weighing in... i was AFRAID to step on the scale... that would mean i'd have to face just how much weight i've gained over the last few months... and i pretty much swore off the scale until june... and i really don't want to go against that, but i'll have to at least step on it once a week... dammmmmmmit... i really don't want to obsess over that number! but, after going to plato's closet to buy some better fitting pants, i decided enough is enough, because i've officially gone from a size 8ish to a 13/14...
i would be depressed, but since i've been taking my anti-anxiety meds on a regular basis lately, i'm physically unable to be sad... (yeah, i'm pretty much a zombie on these meds, which was why i tried to stop taking them... but after going through a really bad bout with depression, i put myself back on them and figured being a zombie is better than having thoughts of suicide)....
SO, i'm excited to announce my daily goals... i'm going to take this slowly and go one day at a time, rather than trying to do the weekly thing... with my binges being so bad, i typically would forget about my goals by the middle of the week and then be really bad off by the end... so for today:
1. go to the y right after school... i figure the y is much slower around 2, 2:30, in the afternoon, so i won't have to face too many people.. i really haven't been there since i started gaining so much weight and really don't want to face the embarrassment of a 25 pound weight gain... so i brought my gym bag to work and plan to hit them up on the way home...
2. go grocery shopping and NOT by junk food.... that's right, no cookies, no chips and NO fake healthy stuff... you know, like the 100 cal pack and stuff... the things i'd usually buy because i figure i'd need a snack and a 100 cal pack isn't too bad... yeah, because then i'd eat the ENTIRE freaking box of 100 cal packs and that adds up fast!
3. eat a good portion size of beef stew... my mom-in-law is inviting us to dinner and she's making her yummy beef stew... let's keep this to a reasonable amount, shall we??
4. really move around at softball practice tonight... last time, i just stood in the outfield and let everyone else run around for the ball... last year, i was super into it and ran around just like everyone else... i need to get back into that pattern... i mean, softball is a great activity to get moving if i actually do so!
5. go to OA... again, super excited!!
6. CLEAN MY ROOM... i was looking for clothes this morning and was so frustrated... i've totally let my room go and my clothes are just in huge piles that fall over... see, the hubs does the laundry... it's always been that way... and i totally LOVE him for it... i HATE doing laundry... but he just folds my stuff and sets it in piles in my bedroom (we sleep in one room, but i consider the spare room my bedroom because i get ready in there and my closet's in there)... which is perfectly fine, i wouldn't expect him to put my clothes away too, but they tend to pile up because i'm lazy!
7. clean up the kitchen... the kitchen is my responsibility... since i went to visit my mom over the weekend and wasn't home, it's atrocious... the sink is kinda stinky from the pizza the hubs made on saturday night... he just left the empty sauce can and everything sitting in there... i mean, i realize i'm supposed to clean the kitchen, but COME ON, at least throw the can away :) o well, no big deal...
so there it is... my plan for the day.... too bad i have this job craziness getting in my way, or i'd have way more time to get it all in and have a little extra to rest... i'm gonna be SO busy tonight!! well i can't wait to check in tomorrow and let y'all know how it went!! happy monday everyone :)
Friday, May 7, 2010
1. Do you have any nicknames?
yes, and i spoke about it in my previous post... my real name is crystal, but somehow it transformed into crycal (pronounced crickle) and was shortened into cryc (pronounced crick)... sometimes, the youngest calles me crikey... don't ask how it got started, it just did and has stuck ever since... even my hubby calls me cryc
2. What was your “last straw”? The incident/situation that made you decide to get a lap band or commit to losing weight via any plan this time?
i don't have a lap band, tho it would be nice to be forced not to eat, i have always been overweight and just decided i'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin all the time... recently i've actually gained, but this will always be my reason to lose...
3. What’s your favorite joke or funny story?
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey, why such a long face? stupidest joke i've ever heard, but the only one i can remember all the time... so i use it... never gets a laugh, but it's a guarantee that the person i tell it to will temporarily forget about his/her troubles (cuz the only thought that comes to mind is 'what a stupid joke'
4. If you could be a TV dinner – what flavor would you be?
ewwww tv dinners? gross....
5. The question we do every week so everyone can be a little famous without having to do an official blog award….what blog or comment stuck with you or spoke to you the most this week and why?
i like reading the posts and comments from lynn on blog to lose... we seem to have a lot in common and share lots of struggles... she's motivating and encouraging when i need it, and i try to be the same for her....
sooooo yesterday was totally not the new monday... and neither is today... o well... there's always this part of me that just wants to give up... we are supposed to only lose 1-2 pounds a week, so you know how long it's gonna take me to lose these 20 pounds i gained over the last month? yeah, about 10 - 20 weeks... that's ENITIRELY too long... i makes me just want to crawl into a hole with a never ending supply of oreos and peanut butter (and milk to wash it all down) and stay for the rest of my life... but i'm not going to give up!! just because i binged this morning doesn't mean i have to tonight, right??
lately a comment was said to me, and i know this person wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she said - boy, for such a small girl, you sure can pack in the food... for one thing, SMALL girl? thanks for the attempt at being nice, but at almost 30 pounds overweight, yeah, not so small... and pack in the food? thanks for making my complex even worse... now i make sure to only take my sandwich into the lounge and eat the rest of my lunch and snacks in my classroom... alone... and by the way, this lady is like half my size... whatev!
anyways, i didn't get to ride my bike to school today for several reasons... one, i had to run an errand on lunch and two, it was supposed to rain all afternoon... yeah, well, good job weather.com, you freaking liar... it's nice and sunny.... soooooo, maybe after meeting a friend at the mall for a little bit right after school, i'll try to get some miles behind me....
so what's everyone doing for mother's day?? i'm visiting my mom and taking her out to dinner on sunday... she lives two hours away from me, so i don't see her often enough... and i miss her... so that'll be wonderful! i should take my stepmom and nana cards too, which i'll prob do sometime saturday... other than that, to all you moms and stepmoms - happy mother's day! have a great weekend!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
so last night, after a huge binge, i had a revelation... it's SALLY! sally, my evil alter-ego, is coming to life and forcing me to eat everything in the house! hey, if drazil can name her fat (click here for one of the most hilarious and highly recommended blogs you will ever read), i can blame my binges on sally... which, sally and i are one, so it's not like i'm that much of a whack job to try to blame it on another person, or that i actually believe it's a split personality or something...
so anyways, yeah, sally visited last night... i did good, well ok, relatively good, for all of monday and tuesday... then BAM wednesday started with about five after school snacks... then supper (three tacos, in celebration of cinco de mayo of course)... then everything in the house... it got to the point where i was on my way from the kitchen to the livingroom and my hubby grabbed both of what i was holding (pretzels and peanut butter, yum) and said STOP... he ended up relenting and giving me back the pretzels, but i never did get to eat the peanut butter :(... it didn't stop at the pretzels, but after that i only ate about three more things before i finally quit (at which point my stomach was sooooo full i couldn't breathe)...
my question to myself - what triggers this? i had a great day yesterday... seriously? i eat when i'm happy AND when i'm depressed?? GREAT... now i'm going to have to be completely emotionless for the rest of my life... or maybe angry all the time... grrrrrrrr... nope, that's not going to work...
either way, i'm not going to let this ruin my whole week for once... that's my usual pattern... i make the decision to start over again - on monday... why always start on monday? so thursday is the new monday... and if necessary, so is friday... i always do great great on mondays because it's a fresh new start... no matter how i'm feeling that day, i have the courage to start over and try again... even though i've already had two and a half cookies and a brownie this morning.. if i can just keep it to that minimum....
well anyways, it's thursday... that means one more day and then it's the weekend again!! yay!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all.........
ok so WHY is the mary tyler moore theme song playing in my head this morning? total emotional high baby!
i FINALLY went through my closet last night, digging for clothes that i may have forgotten to donate when i lost a bunch of weight... some 'fat' clothes that somehow got skipped over... and glory be to GOD i found a SKIRT! i found a skirt that fit! and, being that it's beautiful out (sorry to Syl over at Live, Smile, Run because she's desperate for nice weather and it's just not cooperating in her area), i figured i'd wear it to school today... and i did! and i found a brightly colored tee to go with... the shirt hugs my belly a little more than i'd like, BUT since the skirt fits so darn well, there is, for once, no front- or back-fat hanging over... so i feel much more comfortable!and then, on my way out the door, BAM - the MTM theme song hit me... and now it's stuck in my head :) such a peppy little song... with uplifting lyrics too... and i have NO FREAKING IDEA where it came from.. you know how long it's been since i've seen that show? i mean, i don't watch the tv land channel that plays all those reruns or anything... how odd... all these random thoughts that enter my mind and take over... just like my food obsessions... i mean, seriously, WTF? where do those thoughts come from that tell me to just eat and eat and eat? where does this silly song come from which is now BLARING in my head? i swear my hormones are on crack....
WARNING, FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS NOT FOR THE EASILY GROSSED OUT :) so speaking of tv shows, anyone watch that 'you are what you eat' show on BBC America? well one of the recurring issues in the show is that they always examine everyone's poo... which is utterly disgusting if you ask me... but i've found it somewhat interesting that they put so much attention on the peoples' first FLOATING poo... what does that mean? should our poo really float? cuz i haven't had one of those, in, well, i guess i can't remember because i never paid attention until i watched that show... i guess, according to the host lady, the more healthy food you eat, the less smelly and more floaty your poo will be... well LET. ME. TELL. YOU... my hubby must not eat very healthily (if that's even a word), cuz we have to leave the house after he's been to the potty :)
anyways, enough nastiness for the day... PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE! you'll turn the world on! well, hopefully in a nonsexy sort of way... but seriously, smile... even if it's just for a second... it can make all the difference... you're gonna make it after all ;)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
i read up on a LOT of blogs pretty diligently, and it seems that a growing trend was march/april were really tough months... even some of the, in my opinion, strongest people really had a hard time with their weight and food... myself included!
so, this i pray, that everyone find what they're looking for in may... not just getting back into the swing of things, but the reasons behind why those few months were so hard... was it stress? if so, i pray you find relief... was it weakness of some sort? if so, i pray you find strength... was it fear? if so, i pray you find courage...
honestly, we will all have our ups and downs... we will all fall flat on our faces... but we can push through it... what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?
anyways, yesterday was SO on plan! my first day in over two weeks... i'm really striving for my limited snacks goal this week... i figure - start out small and work my way up... as a matter of fact, i didn't have NOT ONE afterschool snack! i didn't eat a thing until dinner! and then i had to rush through dinner because i had to cover for someone's boot camp class... right after that my stepdaughter had a band concert... so when i got home, i had a salad and a pear... and the entire thing of strawberries... once i started i just couldn't stop... i did put a tiny dab fat free redi-whip on each strawberry, but that couldn't possibly add up to too many calories... see, classic overeater - even though they were only strawberries and not cookies for once, i still had to stuff myself with them... but, i'd say the only downfall to my day was the donut i had in the morning... and even that was a small one, so that's ok, right? (i know i know, i'm just trying to justify it, but oh well)...
this morning i brought some cream of wheat to school for breakfast... i also had a big cup of coffee with hazelnut flavored creamer... i guess it's still not the best way to start the day, but it's not the worst either... and if i can keep my snacks to a bare minimum, i'll be ok... i've decided not to limit myself on what i want to eat, just limit the amounts... i am DEATHLY afraid to step on that scale though... my clothes are even tighter than ever, so i'm really just protecting myself from truly seeing how much weight i gained... i don't need to hit that massive downward spiral again and make things even worse! i am going to give myself the month of may to focus on little thinks (like the snacking) and not so much on the number on the scale... i can do this!
Monday, May 3, 2010
since it's warmer, i REALLY have no clothes to wear... all of my capris are too small for me... so i picked the best of the worst and came to work... fortunately, they seem to be getting looser as the day goes on, so i'm feeling a little better about how i look... but i did notice how much chubbier my face is looking... my weight gain is nearing 20 pounds now... i refuse to weigh myself anymore... it just depresses me even more!
anyways, i'm so jealous of my hubby... my otherwise wonderful man is a complete JERK... and you know why? he's lost over 40 pounds... while i should be so happy for him, i'm filled with anger... i really try not to show it... i try really hard to be supportive.. i mean, he's in ONEderland now! that's GREAT! and he doesn't even work out! yeah, not at all... nice huh? must be really freaking nice! ;)
ok enough whining... today is another new start... my goal for the week - limit snacks! only two, one right after school and one at night... and they have to be healthy choices... this is my version of weening myself off of my out-of-control binging! i hope it works! this past weekend was nothing but a huge binge fest... i mean, eating until my stomach hurt... so NO MORE! my sanity just can't take it... and i seriously am not going to weigh myself... i want to judge my weight based solely on how i feel and how my clothes fit... for instance, this morning, i really had a hard time painting my toenails... my stomach is really in the way... NO MORE! limit snacks... okay, i can do this!