Thursday, April 29, 2010

incapable of loving myself

i'm really struggling here folks... i read all kinds of blogs and often a general theme is how much everyone sees that they should love themselves and respect their bodies and blah blah blah... yeah? well love this: i wake up in the morning (feeling like p diddy... j/k j/k) and put on pants that don't fit... all of my wardrobe is too tight... every last pair of pants... my belly hangs over the top in the front and backfat over the back... i look in my full length mirror and cry... every. single. morning.... then, i go to school with a fresh start... i can't eat food that doesn't exist, right? so i only pack a decent lunch and small snack for breakfast... good start... except then i see the coffee and flavored creamer... yummy! one large cup, down the pipe.... then comes lunch... never fails, SOMEONE in this freaking school had a birthday... i swear, they were all born on different days... so needless to say, the leftovers are in the lounge... one large piece of cake/cupcake/cookie/donut down the pipe... yummy! then i eat lunch and barely manage through the rest of the afternoon...................

then comes the after school snack... before dinner snack... dinner... after dinner snack... evening snack... before bedtime snack... and sometimes even after-bedtime-when-i-really-should-be-sleeping-but-instead-i'm-standing-in-front-of-the-open-fridge snack (woo that was hard to write with all the hyphens... seriously, try writing without hitting the spacekey :) )...

then it's hit the hay and wake up to too tight pants and more crying.... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.... please tell me how to love that...

last night started decent... had the after school snacks and before dinner snacks, but all were decent and relatively healthy... then, we had pizza... and i made my hubby order me the veggie lovers thin crust from pizza hut... YUMMMMY! i didn't think i'd like it but let me tell you, that was soooo good... not as good as my ultimate favorite - meat lovers pan crust - but still really good... and only 4 points a piece :) so if i ate two pieces, i was well within my range for the night... but i had three... and then pretzels... and then more pretzels, but this time dipped in cheese... yummy.... and then about an entire sleeve of double stuffed oreos with chocolate milk... and then half the thing of chips ahoy cookies... yummy... and then, since i was so full my stomach actually hurt, i ate a thing of yogurt and fell asleep...

woke up, put on my too tight pants, and bawled my eyes out... my hubby, as loving as he is, just said 'STOP'... meaning behind that - stop because i'm so tired of you crying and me having to listen to you crying and bawling at 7 in the morning when i should still be sleeping...

how can he even love me? i wasn't like this when we got together... not even when we got married and i obsessed with losing weight for the wedding... no, this has grown and gotten so much worse over the last year... so you can't say he is with me regardless, because it wasn't there before... so when i have to wonder how HE could love me, i really really REALLY have to wonder how i'm supposed to love myself!

yesterday, i read a blog from someone talking about how they need to find an oa meeting... curiousity getting to me, i looked 'oa' up in google... come to find out, it's a group for compulsive eaters! i read through all the literature i could find and BAM! i think i've found what i need!

i told my hubby about it and he was like you don't need that! i really had to explain myself... i didn't realize that he had NO CLUE what i've been going through over the last few months... well DUH... he's not a mind reader! and most of my compulsiveness is hidden... i eat crap loads of food when no one is around! so then he said, well you are beautiful in my eyes and i love your body and you aren't obese... well no... i'm not obese... YET... i go through my ups and downs, which have been much more in the downs lately, but i haven't hit obesity yet... but oa isn't just for the obese... as a matter of fact, it isn't even just for the overweight... some of the people are even underweight... like, anorexic, i'm assuming... so i explained that to him...

i think he understands so much better now, but understanding still doesn't necessarily mean he'll be able to take this much longer... not only am i afraid for my own health - mental and physical - i'm afraid for my emotional state as well... what happens when i lose him to all this??

so i put in a call to the leader that i found online yesterday... she didn't call me back last night, but hopefully i'll still hear from her... and if i don't, the meetings are on mondays, and so i'll just show up... i'm praying that they still take place... PLEASE GOD.... i need help!

i'm sorry you've had to read all this depressing crap... i just had to get it out.... i had to get out all the deep emotional trama i've let myself become victim to... and it's all my fault, which i know... and i don't have to come out of denial or anything, so if the first step is admitting a problem, i'm there baby! i just need the help on how to fix it all... i just needed to get this all out in writing... i feel a little better already... til i find the solution tho, i'm completely incapable of loving myself... there, i said it... i've never thought of myself to be incapable of anything... dammit

2 comments:

LauraLynne said...

*hugs*

I'm with ya sister. I found an OA meeting - first one is this Saturday. Let's beat this together!

*hugs*

skinnysushi.com said...

Oh honey, I have so been here. First of all, go to an inexpensive store and buy yourself a couple of outfits that fit properly. Even if you have to cry in the dressing room over the size (been there too) it will make you feel better to have some clothes that fit you, and they'll be more flattering too.

Try out OA. It certainly can't hurt, and hopefully it will give you the help you need.

And remember that loving yourself has NOTHING to do with what you look like. Remember all of the reasons you are proud of who you are. You're a good, loving wife. You're a hard worker. You're a smart girl. Forget about the looks and focus on the inside. Once you find some peace there, it will be easier to make healthy choices. Right now you're looking for peace with food. Been there too, for a long time. Stop thinking about how you look (which I GUARANTEE is not even half as bad as you think it is) and just focus on ways you can be in control of your life.

I'll be thinking of you and checking in. I hope you keep blogging about this.