good morning...

...because, well, it is, finally, a good morning! and good morning to all :)

i'm so sorry for all the self-loathing and awful posts... when i created this blog, i tried making a promise to myself - never have a negative post... i mean, some things could be negative, but there HAD to be something positive mixed in... well, lately, i just haven't had anything positive to say...

but i, for the first time in quite a while, i feel great this morning... maybe it's because of all the negative posts i've written... maybe getting those feelings out have created a sense of relief... or maybe it's all the talking i've done with my husband... i'm not longer alone inside my head, because he finally knows what i've been dealing with... he still doesn't completely understand, but man is he trying his damnedest to be supportive... and he's doing a wonderful job...

sooooooooo on to why i feel great... last night, i had a great bike ride... i'm training for a 150 mile ride in june and so i ride quite often... my favorite times are when i ride with the group that i'm a part of... they are called the saddle soars cycling club (or something like that) and i've just joined recently as a part of doing the ms 150 ride... they are a great group of people, and they range greatly in riding ability... i'm a part of the 'c' group - 'a' meaning elite and practically pro, 'b' being a step down and 'c' being newbies and those who just like a casual ride... WELL last night, some 'a' guys came... and LET. ME. TELL. YOU... they are 'a' for a reason... they probably looked at me thinking holy this girl rides a bike? i mean, one of my thighs was two of theirs combined! they ride at an average of over 20 mph on a CASUAL ride!

we started off, and i was keeping up with them pretty well... that's when my usual 'c' group kind of fell behind... then these geniuses got us lost... they all argued about which way we were supposed to go... now, i'm not familiar at all with the roads that we were riding, but i had a feeling we missed a turn awhile back... being a newbie and extremely uncomfortable saying anything, i just kept my mouth shut... so needless to say, i was forced to keep up with them... and I DID! and at the end, a couple of them complimented me on riding so well... on the outside i held my head up and said thank you, no problem, it was fun, blah blah blah... but in my head i was bawling and crying!! not only in pain but in happiness... going up those hills, i barely kept up... by the top, boy, i was huffing and puffing... my legs were BURNING! but they didn't need to know all that, right? it really was rather funny, looking back now...

anyways, it was a real confidence booster... i may not be to their level, but i'm well on my way... and it truly was enjoyable... and for that hour and a half, i didn't think about food... that was the biggest relief... too bad i had stuffed myself horribly before we went... my stomach hurt and several times i thought i was gonna lose it all, right there on the side of the road... how embarrassing would that have been!?!?! but i kept it all in.. and because my stomach was so full and i felt so sick, i went home and didn't eat a SINGLE THING for the rest of the night!! no after dinner snack, before bedtime snack, after bedtime snack, etc etc etc... nope... not one...

tho i AM back with the same struggles this morning as always - when will i get to eat again?! but hey, at least, for one evening, i was relieved of my mental duties as an insane overeater... it was refreshing and a feeling i desperately crave again... too bad they don't ride every night! AND it made me feel so good this morning... as a matter of fact i actually enjoyed my ride to work today... don't get me wrong, i love riding my bike... but riding back and forth to work has become rather daunting... but i will force myself to continue for the sake of training for the ride...

anyways, enjoy your day... enjoy your weekend!

incapable of loving myself

i'm really struggling here folks... i read all kinds of blogs and often a general theme is how much everyone sees that they should love themselves and respect their bodies and blah blah blah... yeah? well love this: i wake up in the morning (feeling like p diddy... j/k j/k) and put on pants that don't fit... all of my wardrobe is too tight... every last pair of pants... my belly hangs over the top in the front and backfat over the back... i look in my full length mirror and cry... every. single. morning.... then, i go to school with a fresh start... i can't eat food that doesn't exist, right? so i only pack a decent lunch and small snack for breakfast... good start... except then i see the coffee and flavored creamer... yummy! one large cup, down the pipe.... then comes lunch... never fails, SOMEONE in this freaking school had a birthday... i swear, they were all born on different days... so needless to say, the leftovers are in the lounge... one large piece of cake/cupcake/cookie/donut down the pipe... yummy! then i eat lunch and barely manage through the rest of the afternoon...................

then comes the after school snack... before dinner snack... dinner... after dinner snack... evening snack... before bedtime snack... and sometimes even after-bedtime-when-i-really-should-be-sleeping-but-instead-i'm-standing-in-front-of-the-open-fridge snack (woo that was hard to write with all the hyphens... seriously, try writing without hitting the spacekey :) )...

then it's hit the hay and wake up to too tight pants and more crying.... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.... please tell me how to love that...

last night started decent... had the after school snacks and before dinner snacks, but all were decent and relatively healthy... then, we had pizza... and i made my hubby order me the veggie lovers thin crust from pizza hut... YUMMMMY! i didn't think i'd like it but let me tell you, that was soooo good... not as good as my ultimate favorite - meat lovers pan crust - but still really good... and only 4 points a piece :) so if i ate two pieces, i was well within my range for the night... but i had three... and then pretzels... and then more pretzels, but this time dipped in cheese... yummy.... and then about an entire sleeve of double stuffed oreos with chocolate milk... and then half the thing of chips ahoy cookies... yummy... and then, since i was so full my stomach actually hurt, i ate a thing of yogurt and fell asleep...

woke up, put on my too tight pants, and bawled my eyes out... my hubby, as loving as he is, just said 'STOP'... meaning behind that - stop because i'm so tired of you crying and me having to listen to you crying and bawling at 7 in the morning when i should still be sleeping...

how can he even love me? i wasn't like this when we got together... not even when we got married and i obsessed with losing weight for the wedding... no, this has grown and gotten so much worse over the last year... so you can't say he is with me regardless, because it wasn't there before... so when i have to wonder how HE could love me, i really really REALLY have to wonder how i'm supposed to love myself!

yesterday, i read a blog from someone talking about how they need to find an oa meeting... curiousity getting to me, i looked 'oa' up in google... come to find out, it's a group for compulsive eaters! i read through all the literature i could find and BAM! i think i've found what i need!

i told my hubby about it and he was like you don't need that! i really had to explain myself... i didn't realize that he had NO CLUE what i've been going through over the last few months... well DUH... he's not a mind reader! and most of my compulsiveness is hidden... i eat crap loads of food when no one is around! so then he said, well you are beautiful in my eyes and i love your body and you aren't obese... well no... i'm not obese... YET... i go through my ups and downs, which have been much more in the downs lately, but i haven't hit obesity yet... but oa isn't just for the obese... as a matter of fact, it isn't even just for the overweight... some of the people are even underweight... like, anorexic, i'm assuming... so i explained that to him...

i think he understands so much better now, but understanding still doesn't necessarily mean he'll be able to take this much longer... not only am i afraid for my own health - mental and physical - i'm afraid for my emotional state as well... what happens when i lose him to all this??

so i put in a call to the leader that i found online yesterday... she didn't call me back last night, but hopefully i'll still hear from her... and if i don't, the meetings are on mondays, and so i'll just show up... i'm praying that they still take place... PLEASE GOD.... i need help!

i'm sorry you've had to read all this depressing crap... i just had to get it out.... i had to get out all the deep emotional trama i've let myself become victim to... and it's all my fault, which i know... and i don't have to come out of denial or anything, so if the first step is admitting a problem, i'm there baby! i just need the help on how to fix it all... i just needed to get this all out in writing... i feel a little better already... til i find the solution tho, i'm completely incapable of loving myself... there, i said it... i've never thought of myself to be incapable of anything... dammit

more cake

there is still leftover cake from yesterday... i had a tiny tiny teensy piece... i allowed two points for it, because i'm sure it had something (especially if a regular piece has 10), but i hope that's an overestimation... that puts me at 8 points for breakfast and lunch... i've decided i'm NOT under any circumstances going over points today... i just can't... i went over by three yesterday, which gives me 13 flex points remaining... i just can't use them... weekends are so bad for me that if i use them now, i'm definitely going over this weekend... i'll be screwed! my goal is to stay completely at/under points for today, tomorrow and friday...

i tend to read up on all the latest posts before i write mine... it's not that i can't think of anything to write, i just get so excited i can't help it but to read theirs first... today, i feel motivated by a couple... first is shannon's post at blog to lose... she lost three pounds this week, down to 146.6! unbelievable!! i just can't wait to get there myself, 145 is my ultimate goal! for some reason it just made me realize that i CAN do this if i really put my mind to it... it also made me hate myself for the cake i ate today... grrrrrr...

the other motivation i got was from Diet Goddess's post... she wrote about relating the craziness of dieting to being an alcoholic/drug addict... seriously.... i've been talking about this forever now... i really feel like an alcoholic/drug addict! i obsess soooooo much about food and when i'm going to get my next fix... i just can't stop thinking about it... also sometimes i get the mentality that, ok, i binged today, but i'll start my diet tomorrow... i'll get back on track tomorrow... NOT! tomorrow never seems to come!

but it will... today i'm saying, i'll start my diet YESTERDAY! i started my diet LAST WEEK!! even though i'm struggling with it, i'm still relatively on track... i binge, but mostly on things that are healthy or low in points... i go over points, but not by a lot... i eat cake, but i make it work in my points... i'm determined to make it under points for three days... THREE DAYS... if i do that, my reward for myself is a beer this weekend... i CAN do it... i WILL do it... starting YESTERDAY! :)

birthday cake...

...yep i ate it... but i knew it was coming so i packed a VERY light lunch... eight points worth of birthday cake... grrrrrr... that being said, i still have 11 points and i rode my bike to school, so i have four-five activity points to play with... yesterday i went over points by about 19... i say about because it's SO HARD to track points when eating out... plus we went to the movies and i ate a ton of popcorn (thank GOD it's low in points) and a bag of skittles... this is ok, tho, because yesterday was the first day of my week and i had all 35 flex points available...

i LOVE weight watchers... i really do... i'm starting to wonder if i'm getting so obsessed with it tho, that i'm freaking myself out... i'm still not controlling myself like i should be... for example, i should only have ate half the cake i did and had a better lunch... plus, i went grocery shopping the other day and instead of the labels on all the foods, i saw points... i see points everywhere! walking down the cereal aisle - points... past the meat counter - points... heaven forbid i walk into a pastry shop! i'd probably explode...

so, needless to say, i'm off on a mission for tonight to eat 11 points or under... i can do this! plus i should take a longer bike ride... i don't really feel like it, but it's bright and sunny, and i'd hate to waste this opportunity just in case it decides to rain the rest of the week... happy tuesday to all!

1.5...

... but wish it were 2! i know, i should be happy... it's just, usually when you first start, you see huge numbers on the scale the first few weeks... then it dwindles... well if this dwindles, i'm screwed! this is the number i got after my first week back on weight watchers... i LOVE the program... and i know i could have done much better, so there's always this week...

for example, i don't know if you read friday's post, but i was pretty close to being over points and blah blah blah and if i had only eaten just so much it wouldn't be so bad... yeah? well i used ALL of my flex points that night... yep, all... probably plus some, cuz i didn't even keep track after a while... here's what i had: strawberry shortcake, three cookies, a brownie, a huge amount of fruit, a donut, two pasta dinners, who knows how much granola... all in one day... i stopped counting at 47 points... just couldn't do it anymore... even though i know i should have...

so that really didn't leave me with much as far as points for saturday, when my mom and stepdad came up and we went to benihana's... but, i did earn 52 activity points last week for all the biking i did, so that came in handy... and then last night i used some too...

so needless to say, a 1.5 loss is probably great for all i ate... but i still sit back and kick myself for all i did eat and think, ok, this week will be better... i just wish this all didn't have to be such a struggle!! it's driving me crazy and making me depressed, when i know it shouldn't be... two years ago i lost a ton of weight without even trying... i wasn't on a diet or anything... it just fell off... and now that i'm trying to do so, nadda... it's soooo hard!

i don't know, maybe i just need to let myself go...

sooooooo...

... i've already eaten 19 points, and it's only 1:00.... whoa! though i have been doing very good all week, so i still have plenty of flex points left, but still... i only get 22! i've already put in the amount i'll eat for dinner, which puts me 2 over... i'm thinking, ok, i can do this... the only thing i'll have to do is limit my snacks for the evening... even when i go over, i never allow myself to go over more than five (even though i went over by six on wednesday, but that was another story)... i do that because ww gives you 35 flex points, and i figure that's five a day... needless to say, i'd have three extra points to work with if absolutely necessary tonight... but i don't want to touch those unless ABSOLUTELY necessary... so i made a deal with myself that i'd be allowed to eat that donut as long as i control myself tonight... and that's what i did... honestly, though, other than the donut, i've eaten very healthy choices... it's just the fact that i've eaten A LOT of the healthy choices....

i must say my new fav food are the progresso soups endorced by weight watchers... i LOVE the zero point ones... i eat the whole can, and it only costs me one point... that's AMAZING... and very filling!!

last night i went on a 16 mile bike ride... it was WONDERFUL!! and got me 7 activity points... i know i wrote about how i was going on a long ride that'll get me 14, but we ended up cutting the ride in half due to the lack of sunlight! i was really disappointed, but it was such a freeing feeling to be riding for an hour... i want to do the whole ride tonight... it's about a two hour ride... the thing that excited me the most was how little i thought about food while i was riding... i only thought about it once... that felt great! i'm so obsessed with food, it occupies my mind entirely too much... i feel imprisoned in my own mind! it was just great to have clear thoughts for the first time in so long while i was on my bike... i really want that feeling again... the only problem is if i go tonight, i'll be by myself... so then i'll be trapped in my own thoughts, which may still contain the idea of food... how sad is that?!?!?!

anyways, i'm looking forward to a great weekend... my mom and stepdad are coming up for the day saturday and taking me out for my birthday... we are going to benihana's, which i LOVE... plus, as i noted previous posts, i'm excited about doing a long ride both saturday and sunday... both of those are with people, so that'll be nice... i LOVE that the weather is finally looking good and hope it stays like this for a long while!! have a great weekend everyone!!

unhealthy obsession

i've mentioned before that food and i have a very unhealthy relationship... it's more of an obsession... i'm just glad that now i have limits, being back on weight watchers... i mean, i don't feel restricted to have whatever i want.. just now i know that i must do it within reason and to add it into my points... for example, there's cake today here at school for one of the teacher's birthday... yes, cake... my options are - 1. partake and 2. don't partake... i'm choosing #1... i LOVE cake... so now, my next set of options are - 1. eat a small piece, use 3.5 points doing so, 2. eat a regular piece and use 7 points or 3. eat the whole damn thing when no one is looking and blame it on an animal... for as much as i'd like to go with #3, i'm choosing #1...

BUT, my point to all this, is how much time i've spent thinking this through... i found the cake, sitting there looking oh so pretty, at like 9:30 this morning... it's been over an hour now... seriously? i've been thinking about this cake for over an HOUR?? this is a very unhealthy obsession...

how do i go about getting these obsessions out of my head? like thinking about when the next time i get to eat is? i mean, i've figured out that the hunger is more mental than anything... so what the heck?!?! get. out. of. my. HEAD.

on other news, i gained a pound between yesterday and today according to my scale this morning... that thing is a lying bastard... ok, so i went over my points yesterday by six... but does that really mean you have to punish me with an entire pound?? there's no way i ate enough to gain a pound... lying CHEATING bastard....

i figure the six points wasn't so bad, tho, because it was the first time all week i've gone over... ok, so i had only been on plan for three days, i know, i know, that's really not that much of a feat and going over (quote)for the first time all week(unquote) only actually refers to only two days... but still... i have today and tomorrow... then saturday my mom and stepdad are coming up to take me out for dinner... we are going to benihana's... and then sunday... i figure if i stay at or under points for today, friday and sunday, i can do pretty much whatever i want with them on saturday... within reason of course...

PLUS! did i tell you i'm biking a lot? yes, i ride to work everyday... that gives me four activity points right away... not to mention whatever i do working out at the y at night... WELL, i'm also training for a big ride, so i'm going to start participating in longer rides with groups... tonight is my first, and i'm really excited! it's 26 miles, which will be the longest i've ever ridden, only by one mile, tho... but, i figured it out, and that ride ALONE gives me 12 activity points... so add that to the four i get my commuting to work, and that's over half of what i'm allowed in a day!!!! it makes me want to just ride my bike constantly... i'm also doing a longer ride on saturday and sunday!! this is GREAT!!

ok, so this post is obscenely long and i'm rambling, so i'll stop while i'm ahead... have a great day!!

why did i get rid of my fat clothes?

sooooo, today is day three of the new weight watchers program... i say new, even tho it's not really, because i've recently restarted my journey... after a ten pound gain, i'm ready to lose it again, and get back into the clothes in my closet...

it's ridiculous the depression that comes from looking at a huge closet full of clothes you can't wear... i lost some weight and went down a size... i took the advice i've read in several places to get rid of my 'fat' clothes because that supposedly keeps you from gaining the weight... well i did and now i have nothing to wear! it was a good idea in theory... except theory doesn't help my food cravings and binges that have lead to needing those clothes again... a few of the pants i gave to my stepdaughter i could ask for back... but i'm thinking that would be rude :(

so i guess i'm stuck with one option - loss the weight... and then some, hopefully! again, i'm not going to get to my original goal, but i can make a new one and really strive for it... with summer coming up i can't imagine wearing capris and tanks looking like i do right now, let alone my bathing suit... i mean, i wasn't by any means attractive looking in them when i was ten pounds lighter, but the extra weight really doesn't do well for my confidence... at least i felt decent when i was a little lighter...

i've also realized i don't really have any workout clothes that fit... i usually wore adidas 'swish' pants (i have no other name for them except the sound they make when i walk), but now those are too small... and when i went last night, the shirt i wore was not only a little tight, but rode up during the different positions we were in during the core class (stupid planks!)... now this is a serious predicament!! i'm too fat for my gym clothes, so i can't get to the gym to get thinner!!

well i'm done venting, no wait, whining, for the day... i'm off to catch up on other blogs... i LOVE reading what people have to say!! and i really like seeing the pics people post of their before and after shots! it really makes me motivated to get there myself!

stupid stomach...

so far, it's been a great day... i'm still kinda hungry, though, but i think once i get into a routine of eating less, my stomach will get it... it will understand... and it will SHUT UP!! i mean, come on, i JUST ate lunch! you can't seriously mean to tell me you are deprived already... and i had a good lunch... i had a sandwich, a pear and a 100 cal pack of pb cracker sandwiches... that's plenty! that's actually more than enough for a lunch... i don't know... this losing weight stuff is for the birds!! why can't we just be fat and happy? everyone in the world? and society say if you aren't overweight, than you don't fit in and aren't beautiful... that would be great... i'd sit on the couch and eat bon bons all night long! until then, i'm stuck in this yucky journey... it's for my health and wellbeing too, don't get me wrong... it's just that i can't stop daydreaming about food and could really go for a chocolate creme-filled donut right about now... great, now my brain and stomach are arguing... i'm getting a headache!

back at it baby...

after about a month hiatus, and about another ten pound weight gain, i'm back in... back to weight watchers... today was my first day back and i'm really excited... i did really well and actually went under my points allowance... i also found out that riding my bike to work, which i do daily, earns me four activity points... on top of the additional working out i do at the y, my activities are under control... now i just have to get my eating there... i know very well that is the reason i've gained so much weight in such a short time... i've been binge eating on and off since valentine's day... more on than off also...

anyways, i'm totally into the law and order shows lately... any of them, but especially special victims unit... the best part about law and order is that there is nearly always an episode on some channel somewhere...

well i hope to continue such positive posts and can't wait to read other posts... they always give me motivation and encouragement... wish me luck!

depressed

we're going on vacation, so i pulled out all my spring/summer clothes from last year and guess what? only about half fit, and even those were a little tight... wonderful :(