LHA... OA... etc...

first off i'd like to bring it to everyone's attention that bono from u2 is 50 today... love that guy! happy bday!!

ok, on to the more interesting topics... first of all my weekend was a total flop eating-wise... actually 'flop' probably doesn't even come close to explaining it... i went out to lunch on saturday, dinner on saturday night with my mom, breakfast on sunday morning, and dinner on sunday night with my hubby's mom... that's not including all the junk i ate at home, plus TWO donuts on sunday morning and an entire tub of ben and jerry's half baked ice cream... i'm a hot mess here!

let's call this weekend my last hurrah cuz i'm hitting up my first OA meeting tonight!!! I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!! i really hope this helps me... i just can't wait to begin the end of these massive binges... i've always been a very logical person, so i think knowledge of what i can do to mentally stop the cravings will be great for me... i'm soooo mentally exhausted from constantly obsessing about food, i just want to be normal again... i can't wait to be able to post tomorrow on how it went!

also, i BEGGED and pleaded and was allowed in to the LHA challenge (click on photo above for the link)... this stands for long, hot, active summer... it was headed up by The_Exquisite_Christine, so visit her site!! i guess we weigh in every wednesday throughout the summer... i'm not worried about being the one to lose the most amount of weight, because i'm sure there are tons of others in the contest that have more to lose than me, but i want to win the exercise time category (there are prizes for both most weight lost and most time exercising)... i mean, come on, i'm already enrolled in several bike rides for the summer - who's gonna beat my hours on the bike?? lol... anyways, i'm a little late starting, but here is my beginning weight:

there's a lil summin summin stuck on my scale, but yes, that reads 163.5... and YES that's a ladybug tatoo on my toe (i LOVE ladybugs :) ).... anyways, i have to tell you the story as to why i'm so late on weighing in... i was AFRAID to step on the scale... that would mean i'd have to face just how much weight i've gained over the last few months... and i pretty much swore off the scale until june... and i really don't want to go against that, but i'll have to at least step on it once a week... dammmmmmmit... i really don't want to obsess over that number! but, after going to plato's closet to buy some better fitting pants, i decided enough is enough, because i've officially gone from a size 8ish to a 13/14...

i would be depressed, but since i've been taking my anti-anxiety meds on a regular basis lately, i'm physically unable to be sad... (yeah, i'm pretty much a zombie on these meds, which was why i tried to stop taking them... but after going through a really bad bout with depression, i put myself back on them and figured being a zombie is better than having thoughts of suicide)....

SO, i'm excited to announce my daily goals... i'm going to take this slowly and go one day at a time, rather than trying to do the weekly thing... with my binges being so bad, i typically would forget about my goals by the middle of the week and then be really bad off by the end... so for today:

1. go to the y right after school... i figure the y is much slower around 2, 2:30, in the afternoon, so i won't have to face too many people.. i really haven't been there since i started gaining so much weight and really don't want to face the embarrassment of a 25 pound weight gain... so i brought my gym bag to work and plan to hit them up on the way home...

2. go grocery shopping and NOT by junk food.... that's right, no cookies, no chips and NO fake healthy stuff... you know, like the 100 cal pack and stuff... the things i'd usually buy because i figure i'd need a snack and a 100 cal pack isn't too bad... yeah, because then i'd eat the ENTIRE freaking box of 100 cal packs and that adds up fast!

3. eat a good portion size of beef stew... my mom-in-law is inviting us to dinner and she's making her yummy beef stew... let's keep this to a reasonable amount, shall we??

4. really move around at softball practice tonight... last time, i just stood in the outfield and let everyone else run around for the ball... last year, i was super into it and ran around just like everyone else... i need to get back into that pattern... i mean, softball is a great activity to get moving if i actually do so!

5. go to OA... again, super excited!!

6. CLEAN MY ROOM... i was looking for clothes this morning and was so frustrated... i've totally let my room go and my clothes are just in huge piles that fall over... see, the hubs does the laundry... it's always been that way... and i totally LOVE him for it... i HATE doing laundry... but he just folds my stuff and sets it in piles in my bedroom (we sleep in one room, but i consider the spare room my bedroom because i get ready in there and my closet's in there)... which is perfectly fine, i wouldn't expect him to put my clothes away too, but they tend to pile up because i'm lazy!

7. clean up the kitchen... the kitchen is my responsibility... since i went to visit my mom over the weekend and wasn't home, it's atrocious... the sink is kinda stinky from the pizza the hubs made on saturday night... he just left the empty sauce can and everything sitting in there... i mean, i realize i'm supposed to clean the kitchen, but COME ON, at least throw the can away :) o well, no big deal...

so there it is... my plan for the day.... too bad i have this job craziness getting in my way, or i'd have way more time to get it all in and have a little extra to rest... i'm gonna be SO busy tonight!! well i can't wait to check in tomorrow and let y'all know how it went!! happy monday everyone :)

bring your own craziness friday

BYOC thanks to Drazil is full of great questions today... so here goes:

1. Do you have any nicknames?
yes, and i spoke about it in my previous post... my real name is crystal, but somehow it transformed into crycal (pronounced crickle) and was shortened into cryc (pronounced crick)... sometimes, the youngest calles me crikey... don't ask how it got started, it just did and has stuck ever since... even my hubby calls me cryc

2. What was your “last straw”? The incident/situation that made you decide to get a lap band or commit to losing weight via any plan this time?
i don't have a lap band, tho it would be nice to be forced not to eat, i have always been overweight and just decided i'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin all the time... recently i've actually gained, but this will always be my reason to lose...

3. What’s your favorite joke or funny story?
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey, why such a long face? stupidest joke i've ever heard, but the only one i can remember all the time... so i use it... never gets a laugh, but it's a guarantee that the person i tell it to will temporarily forget about his/her troubles (cuz the only thought that comes to mind is 'what a stupid joke'

4. If you could be a TV dinner – what flavor would you be?
ewwww tv dinners? gross....

5. The question we do every week so everyone can be a little famous without having to do an official blog award….what blog or comment stuck with you or spoke to you the most this week and why?
i like reading the posts and comments from lynn on blog to lose... we seem to have a lot in common and share lots of struggles... she's motivating and encouraging when i need it, and i try to be the same for her....

sooooo yesterday was totally not the new monday... and neither is today... o well... there's always this part of me that just wants to give up... we are supposed to only lose 1-2 pounds a week, so you know how long it's gonna take me to lose these 20 pounds i gained over the last month? yeah, about 10 - 20 weeks... that's ENITIRELY too long... i makes me just want to crawl into a hole with a never ending supply of oreos and peanut butter (and milk to wash it all down) and stay for the rest of my life... but i'm not going to give up!! just because i binged this morning doesn't mean i have to tonight, right??

lately a comment was said to me, and i know this person wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she said - boy, for such a small girl, you sure can pack in the food... for one thing, SMALL girl? thanks for the attempt at being nice, but at almost 30 pounds overweight, yeah, not so small... and pack in the food? thanks for making my complex even worse... now i make sure to only take my sandwich into the lounge and eat the rest of my lunch and snacks in my classroom... alone... and by the way, this lady is like half my size... whatev!

anyways, i didn't get to ride my bike to school today for several reasons... one, i had to run an errand on lunch and two, it was supposed to rain all afternoon... yeah, well, good job weather.com, you freaking liar... it's nice and sunny.... soooooo, maybe after meeting a friend at the mall for a little bit right after school, i'll try to get some miles behind me....

so what's everyone doing for mother's day?? i'm visiting my mom and taking her out to dinner on sunday... she lives two hours away from me, so i don't see her often enough... and i miss her... so that'll be wonderful! i should take my stepmom and nana cards too, which i'll prob do sometime saturday... other than that, to all you moms and stepmoms - happy mother's day! have a great weekend!!

meet sally

ok, so this one needs a little background... one day, i was driving along minding my own business with my youngest stepdaughter in the car (she must have been about 10 at the time, so three years ago approx.)... all of a sudden, this lady pulls out in front of me... we almost hit! AND i saw her in the car blubbering about something and giving ME a dirty look like it was MY fault! so, forgetting about my stepdaughter and letting my teensy (ok lotsa) road rage take over, i flipped her off... my stepdaughter goes "CRYCAL!!" (that nickname i have no story for... just one day it evolved from crystal and stuck.... now she calls me either crycal or crikey and the older one and my husband call me cryc)... anyways, so i blamed it on my alter-ego 'sally'... right there, at that moment, it just blurted out of my mouth and has stuck around ever since... anytime i do something bad, we always blame it on 'sally'... for example, one time, my stepdaughter and i were at the salvation army and the yellow tagged items were half off... and we were trying to find a cheap shirt for a halloween costume... we found one, but it had a blue tag... so we switched the tag with something else that had a yellow one... i know i know, who rips off the SALVATION ARMY right? well, sally of course...

so last night, after a huge binge, i had a revelation... it's SALLY! sally, my evil alter-ego, is coming to life and forcing me to eat everything in the house! hey, if drazil can name her fat (click here for one of the most hilarious and highly recommended blogs you will ever read), i can blame my binges on sally... which, sally and i are one, so it's not like i'm that much of a whack job to try to blame it on another person, or that i actually believe it's a split personality or something...

so anyways, yeah, sally visited last night... i did good, well ok, relatively good, for all of monday and tuesday... then BAM wednesday started with about five after school snacks... then supper (three tacos, in celebration of cinco de mayo of course)... then everything in the house... it got to the point where i was on my way from the kitchen to the livingroom and my hubby grabbed both of what i was holding (pretzels and peanut butter, yum) and said STOP... he ended up relenting and giving me back the pretzels, but i never did get to eat the peanut butter :(... it didn't stop at the pretzels, but after that i only ate about three more things before i finally quit (at which point my stomach was sooooo full i couldn't breathe)...

my question to myself - what triggers this? i had a great day yesterday... seriously? i eat when i'm happy AND when i'm depressed?? GREAT... now i'm going to have to be completely emotionless for the rest of my life... or maybe angry all the time... grrrrrrrr... nope, that's not going to work...

either way, i'm not going to let this ruin my whole week for once... that's my usual pattern... i make the decision to start over again - on monday... why always start on monday? so thursday is the new monday... and if necessary, so is friday... i always do great great on mondays because it's a fresh new start... no matter how i'm feeling that day, i have the courage to start over and try again... even though i've already had two and a half cookies and a brownie this morning.. if i can just keep it to that minimum....

well anyways, it's thursday... that means one more day and then it's the weekend again!! yay!!

who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all.........

ok so WHY is the mary tyler moore theme song playing in my head this morning? total emotional high baby!

i FINALLY went through my closet last night, digging for clothes that i may have forgotten to donate when i lost a bunch of weight... some 'fat' clothes that somehow got skipped over... and glory be to GOD i found a SKIRT! i found a skirt that fit! and, being that it's beautiful out (sorry to Syl over at Live, Smile, Run because she's desperate for nice weather and it's just not cooperating in her area), i figured i'd wear it to school today... and i did! and i found a brightly colored tee to go with... the shirt hugs my belly a little more than i'd like, BUT since the skirt fits so darn well, there is, for once, no front- or back-fat hanging over... so i feel much more comfortable!

and then, on my way out the door, BAM - the MTM theme song hit me... and now it's stuck in my head :) such a peppy little song... with uplifting lyrics too... and i have NO FREAKING IDEA where it came from.. you know how long it's been since i've seen that show? i mean, i don't watch the tv land channel that plays all those reruns or anything... how odd... all these random thoughts that enter my mind and take over... just like my food obsessions... i mean, seriously, WTF? where do those thoughts come from that tell me to just eat and eat and eat? where does this silly song come from which is now BLARING in my head? i swear my hormones are on crack....

WARNING, FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS NOT FOR THE EASILY GROSSED OUT :) so speaking of tv shows, anyone watch that 'you are what you eat' show on BBC America? well one of the recurring issues in the show is that they always examine everyone's poo... which is utterly disgusting if you ask me... but i've found it somewhat interesting that they put so much attention on the peoples' first FLOATING poo... what does that mean? should our poo really float? cuz i haven't had one of those, in, well, i guess i can't remember because i never paid attention until i watched that show... i guess, according to the host lady, the more healthy food you eat, the less smelly and more floaty your poo will be... well LET. ME. TELL. YOU... my hubby must not eat very healthily (if that's even a word), cuz we have to leave the house after he's been to the potty :)

anyways, enough nastiness for the day... PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE! you'll turn the world on! well, hopefully in a nonsexy sort of way... but seriously, smile... even if it's just for a second... it can make all the difference... you're gonna make it after all ;)

this one is for you...

i don't usually post twice a day, but today i feel compelled to do so... this post goes out to everyone! all bloggers!! and all non-bloggers who'll never read this... it's like a prayer for everyone...

i read up on a LOT of blogs pretty diligently, and it seems that a growing trend was march/april were really tough months... even some of the, in my opinion, strongest people really had a hard time with their weight and food... myself included!

so, this i pray, that everyone find what they're looking for in may... not just getting back into the swing of things, but the reasons behind why those few months were so hard... was it stress? if so, i pray you find relief... was it weakness of some sort? if so, i pray you find strength... was it fear? if so, i pray you find courage...

honestly, we will all have our ups and downs... we will all fall flat on our faces... but we can push through it... what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?

tired today...

sooooooo i woke up in the middle of the night last night worrying... just plain old worrying... about this that and everything! it kept me up for two hours... i don't really know why either... and as hard as i tried, i just couldn't go back to sleep... the lack of rest then led me to be too exhausted to ride my bike to work today :( i mean, i probably could have pushed through it, but i let myself have a break...

anyways, yesterday was SO on plan! my first day in over two weeks... i'm really striving for my limited snacks goal this week... i figure - start out small and work my way up... as a matter of fact, i didn't have NOT ONE afterschool snack! i didn't eat a thing until dinner! and then i had to rush through dinner because i had to cover for someone's boot camp class... right after that my stepdaughter had a band concert... so when i got home, i had a salad and a pear... and the entire thing of strawberries... once i started i just couldn't stop... i did put a tiny dab fat free redi-whip on each strawberry, but that couldn't possibly add up to too many calories... see, classic overeater - even though they were only strawberries and not cookies for once, i still had to stuff myself with them... but, i'd say the only downfall to my day was the donut i had in the morning... and even that was a small one, so that's ok, right? (i know i know, i'm just trying to justify it, but oh well)...

this morning i brought some cream of wheat to school for breakfast... i also had a big cup of coffee with hazelnut flavored creamer... i guess it's still not the best way to start the day, but it's not the worst either... and if i can keep my snacks to a bare minimum, i'll be ok... i've decided not to limit myself on what i want to eat, just limit the amounts... i am DEATHLY afraid to step on that scale though... my clothes are even tighter than ever, so i'm really just protecting myself from truly seeing how much weight i gained... i don't need to hit that massive downward spiral again and make things even worse! i am going to give myself the month of may to focus on little thinks (like the snacking) and not so much on the number on the scale... i can do this!

i feel thin....

...until i look in the mirror... or at another woman... why does it seem that lately everyone is losing weight while i just get bigger and bigger... on saturday morning, while at boot camp class, i looked around and realized i was the biggest woman in there... i seriously wanted to scream COME ON, WHERE ARE MY FAT PEEPS THIS MORNING?!?!?! unreal :(

since it's warmer, i REALLY have no clothes to wear... all of my capris are too small for me... so i picked the best of the worst and came to work... fortunately, they seem to be getting looser as the day goes on, so i'm feeling a little better about how i look... but i did notice how much chubbier my face is looking... my weight gain is nearing 20 pounds now... i refuse to weigh myself anymore... it just depresses me even more!

anyways, i'm so jealous of my hubby... my otherwise wonderful man is a complete JERK... and you know why? he's lost over 40 pounds... while i should be so happy for him, i'm filled with anger... i really try not to show it... i try really hard to be supportive.. i mean, he's in ONEderland now! that's GREAT! and he doesn't even work out! yeah, not at all... nice huh? must be really freaking nice! ;)

ok enough whining... today is another new start... my goal for the week - limit snacks! only two, one right after school and one at night... and they have to be healthy choices... this is my version of weening myself off of my out-of-control binging! i hope it works! this past weekend was nothing but a huge binge fest... i mean, eating until my stomach hurt... so NO MORE! my sanity just can't take it... and i seriously am not going to weigh myself... i want to judge my weight based solely on how i feel and how my clothes fit... for instance, this morning, i really had a hard time painting my toenails... my stomach is really in the way... NO MORE! limit snacks... okay, i can do this!