Thursday, June 3, 2010

while everyone else is getting thinner...

i taught my step aerobics class tonight... i'm still pretty new at it, but i'm getting better... i started off with four people in my class, which has been typical since the weather has gotten so nice... anyways, i tried to implement a new step... see, i get really bored with the same steps all the time, and if i'm bored, my 'students' have to be too this is the elementary school teacher coming out of me!! so anyways, it was a rather tough move... and i was struggling a little with calling the steps and trying to get the people to understand... when broken down, it's actually a pretty simple move, but all together it's one where you have to move and think quickly... as i noticed everyone having a hard time, i switched up how i was teaching it and broke it down into repeating one move at a time again my elementary teacher side peeking through and it helped, but when i tried to put it all together again, i lost them... needless to say, two people walked out of my class... and being that i only had the four to start, that's half my class... after about four times through it, the remaining two really caught on and the rest of the class went very smoothly, but the damage had already been done... i felt awful..

after that let down, the instructor of the class right after mine walked in... i wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than aquaitances, you know? well anyways, i noticed she's looking thinner lately, so i asked how much she's lost... 20 pounds! good for her!! but for as happy for her that i am, it makes me even more upset with myself for gaining as much as she's lost... just another person to add to the list of people i know who've lost weight and look great...

i have to STOP with this freaking pity party tho!! my issues have gone from depression, to anger, to frustration, and now to self-pity... i haven't been binging lately, but i know i've been eating way too much to lose weight... probably enough to gain, actually... and i just feel bad for myself... i just look at other people and think 'poor poor crystal... can't wear her bathing suit that fit only four months ago but is way too tight now... poor poor crystal... while everyone else is getting thinner, i'm getting bigger and bigger'... it's pathetic!i'm really hoping this is the last part of the process i have to go through mentally before i can focus my efforts on weight loss... you know, like the stages of grief or something... i don't know... why does this have to be SO FREAKING HARD?

well, on a positive note, there is just over a week until my ms 150 ride... i'm nervous, but really excited at the same time... i just found out that there's going to be a big party after the first day... see, we ride about 85 miles the first day and then stay at a college campus to stay the night, and then finish the rest of the ride the next day... while we're on campus, they are going to have a big dinner and then a band playing after... and during the band, yep, they're going to have a beer garden... a BEER GARDEN! how great is that?!?!

well i totally missed the LHA weigh in for this week... i did weigh myself, and showed a 2 pound gain (which i'm not stressing over since i let loose over the holiday weekend), but i never did get the chance to post my information... i usually post in the morning before i have to take my first group of students, but the schedule at school's been crazy because it's the last week... as a matte of fact, today was the last for the students and tomorrow is the last for the teachers... it's a bittersweet feeling...

so i guess for as low as things feel, there ARE things to look forward to and feel good about, right?

6 comments:

Mad Woman said...

Oh that sucks about your class. I find it hard to keep up in classes like that but I'd never walk out, I just try and keep up as much as possible.

River said...

You gotta face the bad so you'll know when the good arrives! Does that even make sense? Not sure but that's how I see it or justify my own hell.

P.S. I want a beer garden too... damn..

Anonymous said...

stop beating yourself up. the more you beat yourself the worse you feel, the worse you feel, the more you beat yourself. It's a vicious cycle. Weight loss is not easy. If it were everyone would have a great body. You are strong willed and you will get to where you want to be. I have faith in you. As for walking out of your class, that was just rude.
Love
Mommy

Melissa said...

Girl.. you teach a step class. I would say that classify you as a bad mama jama! LOL!

Verity Vaudeville said...

It's not even like you can't do it. Not like you can't get to the place where you feel right. It's the constant isn't it? The staying in the place where you've needed to be for what feels like a lifetime. Well that's what I've found anyway.

You need to find a way of utilising other people's success to spur yourself on. You can do it!

MargieAnne said...

I'm catching up with people who have registered to follow my Blog. I wonder where you are and how you are going.

I've set myself a goal to walk 500 kilometres before the end of the year. It's a tough goal when you don't bother to get out there and walk everyday. I need to get walking again or my goal will be empty words.

Blessings