1.5...

... but wish it were 2! i know, i should be happy... it's just, usually when you first start, you see huge numbers on the scale the first few weeks... then it dwindles... well if this dwindles, i'm screwed! this is the number i got after my first week back on weight watchers... i LOVE the program... and i know i could have done much better, so there's always this week...

for example, i don't know if you read friday's post, but i was pretty close to being over points and blah blah blah and if i had only eaten just so much it wouldn't be so bad... yeah? well i used ALL of my flex points that night... yep, all... probably plus some, cuz i didn't even keep track after a while... here's what i had: strawberry shortcake, three cookies, a brownie, a huge amount of fruit, a donut, two pasta dinners, who knows how much granola... all in one day... i stopped counting at 47 points... just couldn't do it anymore... even though i know i should have...

so that really didn't leave me with much as far as points for saturday, when my mom and stepdad came up and we went to benihana's... but, i did earn 52 activity points last week for all the biking i did, so that came in handy... and then last night i used some too...

so needless to say, a 1.5 loss is probably great for all i ate... but i still sit back and kick myself for all i did eat and think, ok, this week will be better... i just wish this all didn't have to be such a struggle!! it's driving me crazy and making me depressed, when i know it shouldn't be... two years ago i lost a ton of weight without even trying... i wasn't on a diet or anything... it just fell off... and now that i'm trying to do so, nadda... it's soooo hard!

i don't know, maybe i just need to let myself go...

sooooooo...

... i've already eaten 19 points, and it's only 1:00.... whoa! though i have been doing very good all week, so i still have plenty of flex points left, but still... i only get 22! i've already put in the amount i'll eat for dinner, which puts me 2 over... i'm thinking, ok, i can do this... the only thing i'll have to do is limit my snacks for the evening... even when i go over, i never allow myself to go over more than five (even though i went over by six on wednesday, but that was another story)... i do that because ww gives you 35 flex points, and i figure that's five a day... needless to say, i'd have three extra points to work with if absolutely necessary tonight... but i don't want to touch those unless ABSOLUTELY necessary... so i made a deal with myself that i'd be allowed to eat that donut as long as i control myself tonight... and that's what i did... honestly, though, other than the donut, i've eaten very healthy choices... it's just the fact that i've eaten A LOT of the healthy choices....

i must say my new fav food are the progresso soups endorced by weight watchers... i LOVE the zero point ones... i eat the whole can, and it only costs me one point... that's AMAZING... and very filling!!

last night i went on a 16 mile bike ride... it was WONDERFUL!! and got me 7 activity points... i know i wrote about how i was going on a long ride that'll get me 14, but we ended up cutting the ride in half due to the lack of sunlight! i was really disappointed, but it was such a freeing feeling to be riding for an hour... i want to do the whole ride tonight... it's about a two hour ride... the thing that excited me the most was how little i thought about food while i was riding... i only thought about it once... that felt great! i'm so obsessed with food, it occupies my mind entirely too much... i feel imprisoned in my own mind! it was just great to have clear thoughts for the first time in so long while i was on my bike... i really want that feeling again... the only problem is if i go tonight, i'll be by myself... so then i'll be trapped in my own thoughts, which may still contain the idea of food... how sad is that?!?!?!

anyways, i'm looking forward to a great weekend... my mom and stepdad are coming up for the day saturday and taking me out for my birthday... we are going to benihana's, which i LOVE... plus, as i noted previous posts, i'm excited about doing a long ride both saturday and sunday... both of those are with people, so that'll be nice... i LOVE that the weather is finally looking good and hope it stays like this for a long while!! have a great weekend everyone!!

unhealthy obsession

i've mentioned before that food and i have a very unhealthy relationship... it's more of an obsession... i'm just glad that now i have limits, being back on weight watchers... i mean, i don't feel restricted to have whatever i want.. just now i know that i must do it within reason and to add it into my points... for example, there's cake today here at school for one of the teacher's birthday... yes, cake... my options are - 1. partake and 2. don't partake... i'm choosing #1... i LOVE cake... so now, my next set of options are - 1. eat a small piece, use 3.5 points doing so, 2. eat a regular piece and use 7 points or 3. eat the whole damn thing when no one is looking and blame it on an animal... for as much as i'd like to go with #3, i'm choosing #1...

BUT, my point to all this, is how much time i've spent thinking this through... i found the cake, sitting there looking oh so pretty, at like 9:30 this morning... it's been over an hour now... seriously? i've been thinking about this cake for over an HOUR?? this is a very unhealthy obsession...

how do i go about getting these obsessions out of my head? like thinking about when the next time i get to eat is? i mean, i've figured out that the hunger is more mental than anything... so what the heck?!?! get. out. of. my. HEAD.

on other news, i gained a pound between yesterday and today according to my scale this morning... that thing is a lying bastard... ok, so i went over my points yesterday by six... but does that really mean you have to punish me with an entire pound?? there's no way i ate enough to gain a pound... lying CHEATING bastard....

i figure the six points wasn't so bad, tho, because it was the first time all week i've gone over... ok, so i had only been on plan for three days, i know, i know, that's really not that much of a feat and going over (quote)for the first time all week(unquote) only actually refers to only two days... but still... i have today and tomorrow... then saturday my mom and stepdad are coming up to take me out for dinner... we are going to benihana's... and then sunday... i figure if i stay at or under points for today, friday and sunday, i can do pretty much whatever i want with them on saturday... within reason of course...

PLUS! did i tell you i'm biking a lot? yes, i ride to work everyday... that gives me four activity points right away... not to mention whatever i do working out at the y at night... WELL, i'm also training for a big ride, so i'm going to start participating in longer rides with groups... tonight is my first, and i'm really excited! it's 26 miles, which will be the longest i've ever ridden, only by one mile, tho... but, i figured it out, and that ride ALONE gives me 12 activity points... so add that to the four i get my commuting to work, and that's over half of what i'm allowed in a day!!!! it makes me want to just ride my bike constantly... i'm also doing a longer ride on saturday and sunday!! this is GREAT!!

ok, so this post is obscenely long and i'm rambling, so i'll stop while i'm ahead... have a great day!!

why did i get rid of my fat clothes?

sooooo, today is day three of the new weight watchers program... i say new, even tho it's not really, because i've recently restarted my journey... after a ten pound gain, i'm ready to lose it again, and get back into the clothes in my closet...

it's ridiculous the depression that comes from looking at a huge closet full of clothes you can't wear... i lost some weight and went down a size... i took the advice i've read in several places to get rid of my 'fat' clothes because that supposedly keeps you from gaining the weight... well i did and now i have nothing to wear! it was a good idea in theory... except theory doesn't help my food cravings and binges that have lead to needing those clothes again... a few of the pants i gave to my stepdaughter i could ask for back... but i'm thinking that would be rude :(

so i guess i'm stuck with one option - loss the weight... and then some, hopefully! again, i'm not going to get to my original goal, but i can make a new one and really strive for it... with summer coming up i can't imagine wearing capris and tanks looking like i do right now, let alone my bathing suit... i mean, i wasn't by any means attractive looking in them when i was ten pounds lighter, but the extra weight really doesn't do well for my confidence... at least i felt decent when i was a little lighter...

i've also realized i don't really have any workout clothes that fit... i usually wore adidas 'swish' pants (i have no other name for them except the sound they make when i walk), but now those are too small... and when i went last night, the shirt i wore was not only a little tight, but rode up during the different positions we were in during the core class (stupid planks!)... now this is a serious predicament!! i'm too fat for my gym clothes, so i can't get to the gym to get thinner!!

well i'm done venting, no wait, whining, for the day... i'm off to catch up on other blogs... i LOVE reading what people have to say!! and i really like seeing the pics people post of their before and after shots! it really makes me motivated to get there myself!

stupid stomach...

so far, it's been a great day... i'm still kinda hungry, though, but i think once i get into a routine of eating less, my stomach will get it... it will understand... and it will SHUT UP!! i mean, come on, i JUST ate lunch! you can't seriously mean to tell me you are deprived already... and i had a good lunch... i had a sandwich, a pear and a 100 cal pack of pb cracker sandwiches... that's plenty! that's actually more than enough for a lunch... i don't know... this losing weight stuff is for the birds!! why can't we just be fat and happy? everyone in the world? and society say if you aren't overweight, than you don't fit in and aren't beautiful... that would be great... i'd sit on the couch and eat bon bons all night long! until then, i'm stuck in this yucky journey... it's for my health and wellbeing too, don't get me wrong... it's just that i can't stop daydreaming about food and could really go for a chocolate creme-filled donut right about now... great, now my brain and stomach are arguing... i'm getting a headache!

back at it baby...

after about a month hiatus, and about another ten pound weight gain, i'm back in... back to weight watchers... today was my first day back and i'm really excited... i did really well and actually went under my points allowance... i also found out that riding my bike to work, which i do daily, earns me four activity points... on top of the additional working out i do at the y, my activities are under control... now i just have to get my eating there... i know very well that is the reason i've gained so much weight in such a short time... i've been binge eating on and off since valentine's day... more on than off also...

anyways, i'm totally into the law and order shows lately... any of them, but especially special victims unit... the best part about law and order is that there is nearly always an episode on some channel somewhere...

well i hope to continue such positive posts and can't wait to read other posts... they always give me motivation and encouragement... wish me luck!

depressed

we're going on vacation, so i pulled out all my spring/summer clothes from last year and guess what? only about half fit, and even those were a little tight... wonderful :(