it's monday...

so that means it's official, the MS 150 is THIS WEEKEND!! AHHHH!!! it's kind of surreal... i mean, i've been preparing for this since november, and back then, it seemed like a lifetime away... i feel like i've gone backwards in my training... i did soooo well from november to about march... then the spring hit and i gained 25 pounds and got lazy... this is what worries me the most... i haven't trained like i should have since march... i mean, i still rode my bike and i'm actually up to over 500 miles worth of riding (which i started in march), but still... it makes me really nervous about this weekend... how in the h-e-double-hockeysticks am i going to go 85 miles in one day AND then 65 the next?????

well enough of the whining and, well, on to some more :) i HAVE to get my eating under control... i actually haven't been doing BAD per se, but i'm not doing good either... we've been going out to eat too much - i really need to get back to cooking more... which is totally a goal for this summer...

as a matter of fact, i have LOTS of goals for this summer, and not all are weight related... first of all, i really need to keep up with the housework... if i'd just sweep every once in a while rather than letting it pile up, it wouldn't take an hour and a half to sweep the house (see, we have a collie, and his hair is RIDICULOUS and covers our ENTIRE house!)... we spent most of yesterday cleaning EVERYTHING and it feels so good to sit here and not look at dog hair on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, etc etc etc... again, if i just keep up with it, cleaning day wouldn't be so bad... i wouldn't dread it so much that i put it off... and i think some of the stress on my relationship with my husband would be relieved... i mean, we don't fight about housework and he NEVER demands that i do anything - trust me, he knows better than that - but i think deep down he wishes i were better at housework... anyways, my other goals, which are weight related, include the usual - working out, eating right, losing weight... i hope that by the end of the summer i'm relatively close to where i was a few months ago... i cry everytime i look at my very first post on here... go check it out for yourself - quote unquote i'm 140 pounds... yeah, i freaking WAS 140 pounds!! have you NOTICED my weigh-ins for LHA??? 161....

anyways, i read some blogs over the weekend and discovered a cool thing that some people are doing, which is a blog hop... you can sign in and post your blog on theirs, while visiting other people's at the same time... i want to participate, so i'll probably post a blog hop on here later or tomorrow... see, i don't necessarily care about followers, but i like to see who visits me, and i LOVE 'meeting' new people... i follow TONS of blogs, but over the time since i've started blogging, i've really found a select few that i truly enjoy and look forward to... a blog hop like that helps me find even more that i enjoy...

anyways, so look forward to that coming soon to a theater near you... happy monday er-body!!

while everyone else is getting thinner...

i taught my step aerobics class tonight... i'm still pretty new at it, but i'm getting better... i started off with four people in my class, which has been typical since the weather has gotten so nice... anyways, i tried to implement a new step... see, i get really bored with the same steps all the time, and if i'm bored, my 'students' have to be too this is the elementary school teacher coming out of me!! so anyways, it was a rather tough move... and i was struggling a little with calling the steps and trying to get the people to understand... when broken down, it's actually a pretty simple move, but all together it's one where you have to move and think quickly... as i noticed everyone having a hard time, i switched up how i was teaching it and broke it down into repeating one move at a time again my elementary teacher side peeking through and it helped, but when i tried to put it all together again, i lost them... needless to say, two people walked out of my class... and being that i only had the four to start, that's half my class... after about four times through it, the remaining two really caught on and the rest of the class went very smoothly, but the damage had already been done... i felt awful..

after that let down, the instructor of the class right after mine walked in... i wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than aquaitances, you know? well anyways, i noticed she's looking thinner lately, so i asked how much she's lost... 20 pounds! good for her!! but for as happy for her that i am, it makes me even more upset with myself for gaining as much as she's lost... just another person to add to the list of people i know who've lost weight and look great...

i have to STOP with this freaking pity party tho!! my issues have gone from depression, to anger, to frustration, and now to self-pity... i haven't been binging lately, but i know i've been eating way too much to lose weight... probably enough to gain, actually... and i just feel bad for myself... i just look at other people and think 'poor poor crystal... can't wear her bathing suit that fit only four months ago but is way too tight now... poor poor crystal... while everyone else is getting thinner, i'm getting bigger and bigger'... it's pathetic!i'm really hoping this is the last part of the process i have to go through mentally before i can focus my efforts on weight loss... you know, like the stages of grief or something... i don't know... why does this have to be SO FREAKING HARD?

well, on a positive note, there is just over a week until my ms 150 ride... i'm nervous, but really excited at the same time... i just found out that there's going to be a big party after the first day... see, we ride about 85 miles the first day and then stay at a college campus to stay the night, and then finish the rest of the ride the next day... while we're on campus, they are going to have a big dinner and then a band playing after... and during the band, yep, they're going to have a beer garden... a BEER GARDEN! how great is that?!?!

well i totally missed the LHA weigh in for this week... i did weigh myself, and showed a 2 pound gain (which i'm not stressing over since i let loose over the holiday weekend), but i never did get the chance to post my information... i usually post in the morning before i have to take my first group of students, but the schedule at school's been crazy because it's the last week... as a matte of fact, today was the last for the students and tomorrow is the last for the teachers... it's a bittersweet feeling...

so i guess for as low as things feel, there ARE things to look forward to and feel good about, right?

what a weekend!!

my five day weekend was WONDERFUL!! eating and drinking - not so great, but it was worth it... my family enjoyed lots of time together just hanging out, playing games and eating yummy dishes that we only really have once or twice a year... so i'm pretty much expecting a gain this week, but i'm over it...

i was pretty depressed yesterday tho... over the winter, two of my pretty good friends lost a bunch of weight - whereas i gained a bunch - so they were sporting cute new bathingsuits and i had to cover every nasty inch of myself :( i was so uncomfortable hanging out by the pool... i wanted to sew everyone's eyes shut so they couldn't look at my rolls and cottage cheese legs... i also got pretty burnt and now have weird tan lines... grrrr! AND it's not like i have time to change this, so i'm stuck with this body for the rest of the summer, because it's going to take at least that long to try to get back into shape...

anyways, i did still eat pretty much like a normal person over the weekend... i did stuff myself a little, but not too overboard, and i limited my sugar intake... well, all the sugar other than what was in my margarita mix! my plans for the next two weeks - TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN!! my ms 150 ride is not this weekend but next and i'm FREAKING OUT!!

happy tuesday everyone! :)

byoc!!

bring your own craziness friday once again thanks to drazil!! here it goes:

1. If you could be a flower, which one would it be and why?

a daisy, just because it's my favorite flower!

2. Which Sex and The City Character do you most relate to? (Thanks Jenny)
carrie, definitely!

3. If you had a crystal ball or could know one thing about the future - what would it be?
gee, this is a hard one... i guess i'd want to know what my life will be like in 20 years... just one look into the future to see where my life has taken me... to know if i'm going to be happy, whether or not i'll have kids, where my career takes me, all that stuff...

4. What's your biggest fear in your weight loss journey?
that i will never have the body i dream of

5. Repeat question: Whose blog or comment spoke to you the most this week and why?
honestly, i don't remember really reading anything in particular, just several different blogs talking about the struggles of losing weight and that it can be achieved if you keep your chin up and move forward...

well i can't wait for the weekend to get underway!! mine started yesterday, since i'm off for five days straight wooooohooooooo, but everyone else had school/work... sooooo, tonight is the beginning of the party that'll last all weekend!! we've got enough tequila and margarita mix to get the entire state of ohio wasted!!

anyways, i'm off to get a shower... have a wonderful holiday weekend everyone!!

blog award

i know, guys, i was MIA yesterday... i was soooo busy since it was our last day of school for the week (next week is our last week for the summer!! YAY!!!) anyways...


i got two blog awards within a week :) this one is the beautiful blog award:

the rules are you have to give it to seven people and write seven things people don't know about you... so first thing's first, here are the seven awesome people i would like to give this too:

1. Syl @ Live, Smile Run

2. http://wearelosingitblog.blogspot.com/

3. http://weightlossjourneybyplumptious.blogspot.com/

4. http://exyoyodieter.blogspot.com/

5. http://weightoflife.blogspot.com/

6. http://seeyalaterchubalub.blogspot.com/

7. http://anewmejourney.blogspot.com/

there are TONS more i could give this to because i read so many beautiful blogs!!

so here are the seven things you don't know about me:

1. my middle name is marie... it's sooo common, but i love it because i share it with my nana - who i'm very close to

2. i've been with my husband most of my adult life - we started dating when i was 18

3. my husband owns a campground... it's awesome! we have a really good time in the summer just hanging out by campfires and then instead of sleeping in a tiny camper, i get to walk home to my king sized bed... talk about the life!

4. i hate that i'm at a really awkward age in life - i'm too old to be immature, but i'm too young to act like an old lady... it makes clothes shopping pretty tough

5. my most favorite show of all time is the office... i have all the seasons on dvd so far, i never miss an episode, and i have all kinds of crap from the show - such as my dwight shrute bobble head that sits happily on my desk at school

6. i just finished my masters degree in special education... i took most of my classes online at Liberty University.... i HIGHLY recommend that school - it was a great experience

7. ready for this? my husband is 19 years older than me... yep, i know what you're thinking and there's nothing you could say or think that we haven't already heard.... i'm 25 - you do the math :)

well there ya go - seven things you would probably never have thought of me :)

have a nice thursday everybody!

a loss!!

hey hey hey!! here's my LHA way in guys...

that's 2 WHOLE POUNDS!! i'm so excited because i didn't think i'd have a loss at all... not only is that 2 pounds but it means i'm out of the 160s!! i'm sooo motivated to keep it going  now! unfortunately, this weekend being memorial day weekend and we have tons of cookouts and drinking planned, i'm feeling a gain coming on... BUT this motivates me to be cautious and not go overboard!! YAY

also, my activity minutes for the week are a little lower than i had intended... but 320 still isn't bad :)

good luck to everyone for next week!!

the green monster

last wednesday i read a post by kelly over at journey to a new me about a smoothie drink thing called a green monster... you should go check her post out because she gives lots of information about flaxseed and its health benefits and stuff... she also linked her post to the original green monster blog, which has all kinds of recipes that can be made... basically, the smoothie's base ingredients are some kind of milk (cow, almond, soy, etc), spinach thus the green coloring and a supplement (i've been using flaxseed everytime)...

sooooooooooooooo BAM here's my ingredients:

i've been using almond milk, strawberries, bananas, spinach and the flaxseed stuff... here's what it looks like after blended:

my husband asked me if i was drinking vomit...

so anyways, i've been drinking it every morning since friday of last week... i haven't really noticed any major increase in energy yet, like noted on kelly's blog, but i figured i'd give it a while... also, on saturday i noted that about two hours after i drank it, i was starving again... and i don't mean just a little hungry - my belly was growling like there was no tomorrow... so i don't know how filling it is... today is the first day i tried one in the morning before work, so i'll see what happens... i have lunch at 11:30, so i'd like to last until then before getting too hungry...

OH, by the way, the green monster actually tastes GREAT! all i can taste are the strawberries and banana in it, plus a little flavor from the flaxseed... seriously, i highly recommend trying it out... and go to that original website, because there are tons of ideas, like adding pumpkin and stuff...

anyways, so we had our second softball game last night... which meant i wasn't able to go to the oa meeting again... but next week our game is on tuesday, so i'll be set... and after today i only have one more day of work left for this week - we are off on thursday and friday!! that gives me a five day weekend since monday is memorial day!! w00t w00t!! have a great day everyone!

the good, the bad, and the REALLY ugly!

yes, i've been MIA since wednesday... it sucked, and i was having major withdrawals over the weekend... so here it goes...

the GOOD

i had a great weekend.......

it started on thursday... i went on a field trip with the school... we went to the IMAX theater and watched 'sea monsters' which was about prehistoric sea creatures... it was quite interesting... then on friday, i *cough cough* called in sick... it was my stepdaughter's 'special persons' day at school... she couldn't get her mom, or dad, or either set of grandparents, so she asked me to go... i love being last in line it was so nice of her to ask me ;) anyways, so i called in sick to work because i had no personal days left... no big deal... but we got to go out to lunch on friday and she could be signed out of school, so after lunch we just spent the day messing around... we went to the mall to walk around... then we visited my grandparents and took them to the ice cream parlor and had some YUMMY ice cream... on saturday i got to meet up with my mom and stepdad and go clothes shopping and on sunday i went to a baby shower and the just relaxed by a campfire... it was very nice :)

the BAD

i had a terrible weekend...

it started on thursday... when i got home from school i was exhausted... so i took a nap, and then went to teach at the y... then i had a meeting for my big ride that's coming up... by the time i got home i just wanted to veg... so veg i did... with MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FOOD!!! it was ridiculous... i ate everything we had... two pieces of leftover pizza, the rest of the leftover tuna noodle casserole, ice cream, pretzels, snack bars, oreos, a pear, peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies - if we had it, i ate it... then we spent the rest of the weekend eating out... friday for lunch... friday for dinner... saturday for lunch... sunday at the baby shower... sunday night leftover baby shower food... cake... cookies... ice cream ICE CREAM ICE CREAM!! it was crazy! i did so good for about a week and a half and then BAM, i'm pretty sure i undid any good that had come... and i didn't get to bike ride at ALL because it was rainy, or i was busy, or the people that i ride with canceled or whatever the excuse i had was... and when i went clothes shopping, some 12s didn't fit and i had to try on 14s... i went from a size 8 to a 14 in four months... un-freaking-believeable.... i did it to myself tho... with all the food i eat... with all the food i ate over the weekend... it's such a vicious cycle with me...

and finally THE REALLY UGLY

i won my SECOND BLOG AWARD!!!! YAY!!!! thanks to laura @ mama's fit life...

i'm sooooo excited!!! so here are the rules:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.
3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

well, i was going to get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, but i woke up on friday morning lookin real cute ugly, so i thought i'd post that pic instead :)

mmmmmmm, you know you want a piece of this :)

and now drum roll please i pass this blog award on to:

1. Candice

2. Drazil

3. Debbie

congrats to those ladies!! they are some of my most favorite bloggers EVER!!

happy monday to all :)

LHA weigh in #2

here it is...

yep, that's a gain of ONE POUND! i'm not surprised, though, with all the drinking i did and snacking over the weekend... plus eating out every night last week... i wasn't as worried about my eating - just focusing on binging... i'm stepping it up a little... like i said in my other post today, one day at a time... i'm ok with the gain, i won't beat myself up, and i'll just try a little harder this week...

my activity minutes are up tho - 380 minutes... not where i'd like, but again, i'm working on it a little at a time!

going riding tonight! to all the other LHAs - keep at it, you can do it! :)

short post

yesterday, i ate like a normal person... although i've been binge free for about a week now, i haven't really been watching what i do eat... and yesterday, BAM, i did it... let me recap - a shake for breakfast (i have a bunch left over from one of my crazed diet fads, so i'm just trying to get rid of them... i'll drink one for breakfast if i'm in a really big hurry), salad and a small thing of french fries from the cafeteria for lunch (the fries aren't actually fried, they're baked in the oven... and they really jip portions around here), a banana, some blueberries and two chocolate oreos after school, a decent portion of tuna noodle casserole for dinner (and i DIDN'T go back for seconds, w00t w00t), and a salad at 7:00 to tie me over for the rest of the evening (refer back to my new weekly challenge - no nighttime snacks)... not bad, not bad at all! oh, and i ate a little more of my blizzard that i had left over from monday night, but i even put that back in the freezer and it's still there!! now THAT'S unheard of in crystal-land!! so i'm thinking this day to day living is really working for me... i mean, for the first time, i've found something that works...

tho, i'm still tired of looking in the mirror, or putting on clothes, and thinking about how much weight i've gained... i know i'm not HUGE, but i certainly feel it... i'm not meant to be this big... i know it... my ring size, like for my wedding ring, is 4 1/2... yeah you read that right - 4 1/2... and my collar bones have always stuck out! everything from my boobs up are tiny yes even my boobs, anyone want to donate to the crystal's boob job fund?? the hubs even makes fun of the size of my head he's just jealous that such a large brain can fit into a small space but, the further down you go, the bigger things get! until you hit my toes, which are petite like my fingers... and cute too...

i don't know... i'm proud of myself for not falling into binges lately... and i'm happy with the amount of activity i've been doing... and i'm really trying to get back into the weight-loss mode... i'm just impatient and need to slow myself down... keep reminding myself that i'm going day to day... it's working for now, but i'm deathly afraid of another binge hitting...

but hey, life goes on with or without us, right?

oa disaster

OK, so, yesterday, yeah - i was WAY exhausted... needless to say i went home right after work and slept for an hour and a half... which is kind of odd for me, since i don't really nap that much (i mean, i try to, by my mind is usually racing enough to keep me awake)... anyways, so the hubs ended up cooking dinner don't you love this man! while i cleaned up a little, then we went to our softball game...

now i've mentioned before that i SUCK at softball... i'm certainly the worst on the team... i really think the only reasons why i actually get to play is 1. it's a church league and they have all those moral issues on fairness and 2. my dad is kinda the coach... but LET. ME. TELL. YOU. the team played awful! we were mercied like 14 to nothing... and who got one of only two actual hits the entire game?? yeah, that's right baby, me... suckas!

so after the game, which was at six, the hubs rushed me to my oa meeting... i got there at 7:30, and it starts at 7, so i was late... i knew i would be tho, but i wanted to go anyways... this totally shows dedication out of me, because i wouldn't normally walk into a meeting a half an hour late - i'd just skip it all together... but i really really REALLY wanted to go... so we pull in and there's all these cars... i was so excited because the last meeting i was at, there were only four of us... there had to be ten cars there!! HELLO - this should have been my first sign! by the way, let me add that at this point it was raining... anyways, so i made the hubs wait til i was sure i could get in and then he could leave - he was going to just come back and pick me up when the meeting was over... so i get in and he leaves... i walked downstairs and walked right into the meeting, announcing 'sorry i'm late, i was at a softball game, which you can tell from my lovely uniform here'... all of a sudden it hits me - this is totally not the oa meeting... as a matter of fact, there were a couple people in there that i even knew... they all just stared at me... i could hear the freaking crickets! by this time my face was on FIRE... i was like 'oh, ummmm, ummmm, ummmmmm, i don't think i'm in the right meeting', quickly said hi to the peeps i knew, turned around and dashed out... i'm pretty sure i ran out of there faster than i ran to first base in the softball game... so yeah, the oa meeting must have been canceled or not enough people showed up or something... nice, huh? yeah, nice and EMBARRASSING... i went outside, called the hubs to come get me right away, and waited in the lovely rain... i couldn't stand under the overhang, because there was a window down to where the people were having their meeting and they would have saw me just standing there... WHAT. A. FIASCO.

by the way, i just want to mention - is it wrong of me to wonder if i could get away with bringing a couple snacks to my oa meetings? just checking, because the thought occurred... i need help!

anyways, so on Blog to Lose, i decided to join a weekly challenge group... this week, the challenge is to have no nighttime snacks... i did very well last night! the only thing was, the hubs 'surprised' me by stopping at dairy queen after he picked me up from my embarrassment non-existent meeting... he had no idea that i was trying not to have snacks, so he thought he was being a sweetie (it's usually me BEGGING to go to dq!)... i ordered a blizzard and again, ate half and put the other half in the freezer... i was soooo proud of myself, once again (i just did this the other night as well)... that wasn't really considered a 'nighttime' snack seeing as how it was only 7:30, so i figured i was ok... and then, as we were laying in bed, the hubs announced he was hungry and went to make popcorn... OMG it was hard to resist... but i did! YAY!! day one of the challenge - success!

plans for tonight - dentist appt. right after work, then grocery shopping for dinner, then core class and yoga! stay strong everyone!!

the big four two!

no, that's nobody's age, it's how many miles i rode yesterday! 42 baby! we rode for about four hours... i gotta tell ya, tho, my behind is SORE today! at this rate i'll never make the 150 miles on my MS ride! but i'm going to keep at it, because i really really REALLY want to finish that ride....




we rode some of the time with a boyscout troop who was riding for charity... this is the group of us :) i look like SUCH a dork! i hate getting my picture taken!!

anyways, i did end up skipping a ride on friday and saturday... friday i had no motivation and saturday the hubs and i ended up staying in bed watching tv until NOON! it's been soooo long since we've done that! it was really nice just spending a little time together...

but i really think i'm back in it... i mean, i got the phone call from kathy the lady in the picture who is on her knee - the first on the left pretty much demanding that i join them on the ride... (when i say them, i mean kathy and vivian in the picture, she's the crazy white-haired lady with the neon green coat and yellow helmet on the right... they planned to ride from where we live to where the boyscout ride was going to start, which is about 15 miles away... then, they were riding the 10ish miles with the boyscouts and riding back home) that's what i really needed - someone to kick me in the rear end! so i went and had a wonderful time... now that lovin' feeling is back! i'm anxious to get back on my bike... too bad it's freaking supposed to rain today :(

tonight we're supposed to have a softball game, but it might get rained out... that wouldn't be such a bad thing, because the game is at six and my OA meeting is at seven... that'd mean i'd have to miss some of the meeting and i really don't want to do that... i mean, it'd be different if i have been going for a while, but since this is only my second meeting, i really want to be there...

by the way - i ate like a normal person yesterday!! we went out to breakfast, i had a couple snacks on the ride, we stopped during our ride at a place and ordered two subs and split them between the three of us and then i had chili for dinner... i did have two cookies throughout the day, but no big deal on that... i even only ate one bowl of chili for dinner! too bad i did a little extra drinking over the weekend... and some major snacking... but still no binges!

now that i've gotten my exercising back into a decent routine, i'm going to start focusing on my eating more... i mean, i've def. made progress as far as the binging, but i think it's kinda time to worry about what i'm eating when i do eat... i'm still not going to jump right back into counting calories and stuff, i don't want to push it too much... you see, i'm trying to get back into this whole weight-loss thing slowly so i don't overdo it and end up freaking out and binging for a week like i've done in the past... i think i just get so stressed out over the whole idea of calories and weight that i slip into a food-induced coma to get away from the stress... and that's the opposite of what my goal is! so.........

ok, to the y after school with my bad self and then perhaps softball game plus OA meeting for tonight... also - no binges... one day at a time folks! happy monday everybody!

bring your own craziness friday

new questions thanks to Drazil... if you want to play along, you just copy and paste the q's into your own blog!

1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?

ooo, this is a tough one... i guess i'd be spongebob... he seriously has the best life, just always chillin underwater with his pals... and he's silly acting, just like me... and he's cute :)

2. Who was your teenage heart throb?

DEFINITELY mark-paul gosselaar (zack) from saved by the bell.... HOT!! well, not so much nowadays, but smokin back then, baby!

3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?

seriously massive food addiction for me... i mean, if i hated food, or was picky like my sister is, i'd be ok... but NOPE, that's not me... i'll eat just about anything you put in front of me... or at least try it... i have no food allergies to hold me back either... there are some mental aspects to this, which come into pay when i binge, but mostly i just like the process of tasting and chewing and everything else...

4. What’s your all-time favorite song?

ummmmmmmm.. this is a tough questions because i LOVE music and have tons of favorite songs... i guess if i were completely forced to pick just one, i'd say 'if i ain't got you' by alicia keys... it's mine and my husband's song, and is what we danced to at our wedding... but seriously, i have about a thousand close runner-ups...

5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.

i'm so sorry, but i can't remember who's blog this came from... if there is anyone out there that can remind me, please do so and i will adjust this post... but i read somewhere that someone's goal is to remind themselves that they won't starve before their next meal... like, if dinner's a little later than usual, nope, won't die... and that's what i've been keeping in mind all week... i tend to kind of freak when i don't eat dinner at a certain time... this is often where huge binges come in... i'll start by just grabbing a snack to tie myself over til dinner, and then BAM i've eaten us out of house and home... i'm not going to starve! there's no possible way! as a matter of fact i could probably live for quite some time without food, with all this extra flab i've accumulated... there, HA, that's finally one thing i've got over my sister... not only has she always been better at sports, and had straight teeth (which was a major issue for me all my life til i was finally given the chance to get braces), but she's always been skinnier, much skinnier actually, than me... but hey, if we were ever on a deserted island without food, i'd SO live longer than her!! lol....

anyways, i taught my aerobics class last night... add another 45 minutes to my activity points! but it wasn't lookin too nice out, so i didn't take my bike with me... and being that i didn't, i was unable to go on the ride i usually do (see, i'd have to go straight from the y to where everyone meets to ride if i want to go)... so i didn't ride my bike last night... that makes it pretty much a week since i've been on my bike, which is NOT good... it's been raining and yucky! but tonight and this weekend, i'm totally changing that... i HAVE to get some riding in if i'm going to make it through my 150 mile ride coming up in june!

i did start a little binge right after school yesterday, but i was able to keep it to a minimum and stop myself... i started with a pear, which led into some graham crackers and milk, and then i went for a bowl of cereal... that's where i stopped... i was pretty proud of myself... also, we went to dairy queen and i ate half my blizzard and put the rest into the freezer for later... i finally feel like i'm almost eating like a normal person! this focusing on the word ENOUGH is really doing wonders... makes me excited to see what i learn about at the next oa meeting on monday!

overall i don't have much to write about today... luckily i've been pretty steady emotionally (which makes my husband happy!) and relatively good with eating (though not the best and certainly not like i should be if i want to lose weight, but much better than it has been!)... my activity is going well (minus the lack of bike riding) and i have really nothing to complain about (well almost nothing, but i'm not going there, lol)... it's kinda nice for once :) i hope everyone has a great weekend, and i'll see everyone back here in blogland on monday!

thee days sober

this was me, yesterday after school, pre-workout... i figured i'd post this because the only pics i ever put on this blog are sweaty ones, and i decided that i should let you see that my hair doesn't always look that bad... bad, but not THAT bad... and then here's my after pic (i know, i know, mmmmmm girl you's a hot mess, right?):

anyways, so i did go to the y right after school... i was cut ten minutes short because of having to get my stepdaughter from school, but the total time was still 50 minutes...

i actually did the elliptical, which seemed to get the job done as much as a treadmill does... i did that because my knee and ankle were kind of hurting, and i've heard the elliptical is better on your joints... i don't really like it as much (and when i say 'like it' what i really mean is 'completely freaking despise it'), but i think i made a wise choice...

then we ended up going out to dinner, again... but this time, i brought home a doggy bag!! w00t w00t... i had had ENOUGH! and, even though i had three cookies yesterday, the only other snacks i ate were fruits and veggies... i guess i'm just weening myself off the binges... either way, though, i went to bed hungry... yes, i'm included in that whatever-percent of people that go to bed hungry at night... (ok, fine, it's not cuz i'm poor and can't afford food... thought maybe i'd get some sympathy, but i guess not... thanks for nothing) anyways, it was really hard for me not to eat what i brought home from dinner... i told the hubs that i was hungry and that's what he suggested i do... but i thought that'd make it kinda pointless to not eat it at dinner time, ya know? sooooo i ate it this morning instead :)

so that makes me three days (sober) binge-free... that's the longest in over two months...

LHA weigh in #1

ok, here it is.... drum roll please:

yep, that's a 2.5 loss! and that's only over like four days... ok, let me explain, i weighed in after eating dinner, and this weigh in is before eating dinner... soooooo, i think that has something to do with it... BUT, i'll take it...

anyways, my activity minutes are way low! only 105... it will definitely be better this week, though... i have a lot of catching up to do... and i will... because i have some miles to get under my belt anyways in prep for the ms ride... not to mention my goal to go to the y after school everyday to keep me away from the inevitable binge that seems to occur around 3 o'clock...

anyways, so there it is... good luck to everyone for the upcoming week!

my post is late... and i'm certifiably insane

WOW, it's quarter after 11 and i'm just now starting my post for the day... i love reading blogs and really want to comment on everyone's... i like giving encouragment and sharing my own thoughts, even if people don't really care to hear them :) anyways, so since i started LHA, i am following an additional 30ish blogs, so now my dashboard is overloaded by the time i sit down to read in the morning... then with all the commenting and such, i think this is enough to be a freaking full time job... i enjoy it tho... too bad i don't get paid... now there's a thought...

anyways, so i'm weighing in later today... this is how my typical morning goes - my alarm goes off and by the time i'm done hitting snooze, i have to hit the ground running to make it to work in time... i'm still half asleep through it all, but luckily my body knows the routine and kinda runs on its own... after frantically doing my hair, getting dressed, packing my lunch, etc, i take the dog out and wrestle with getting him back in after he's done his business... generally it starts with, come on, then COME ON, then GET THE HELL IN HERE, NOW!!! after all that, i fly down the driveway, screech onto the road, and drive like a maniac to get to work... nevertheless i'm usually late... i don't feel too bad, my trailermate (yes, i teach in a trailer, there are only two of us in here, so it's kinda nice, yet sucks really bad when it's raining/snowing because we have to walk in and out of the building, but i digress...) gets to school later than i do, AND leaves earlier! so, needless to say, i have absolutely no time to weigh-in in the morning... i don't think i could take a very good pic of the scale with my eyes only half-opened anyways...

i'm honestly expecting a gain anyways... i just decided to participate on saturday, and spent all day sunday binging (that's the day i ate the entire container of ben and jerry's ice cream)... i did rather well on monday, but yesterday was another story... i ate five cookies and two bowls of tortillas at work... then i ate one and a half donuts at home... there's a story behind that, but i'll get to that in a minute... anyways, that all was on top of everything else i usually eat, so...

ok, so the donut thing - yesterday, after school, i knew to try to keep myself busy, so i ran to walmart... i walked around for quite a while, picking up random needs... then i got home and my stepdaughter was there working on her essay... so i brought my laptop into her room and kept her company by reading some of my fave blogs to her (this is one i read, which i happened to stumble on yesterday, and it was hilarious in a kind of sick way)...

after that i went into the living room to catch an episode or two of law and order: svu... my fave law and order, btw... if it ever comes to me having to rape and kill someone, i feel pretty confident i could do it without being caught, just from all the mistakes i've seen the perps make on that show... not that i'd ever do that, but i'm just saying... ANYWAYS, by this time it's like 6 and i'm STARVING!!!! so i call the hubs and he's busy, and he says he just wants to go out to dinner tonight... so, being that he'll be home shortly, i eat a pear... then a salad...

then, the donuts are calling my name... i can pretty much hear the bastards... i start pacing... i call the hubs back... 'you have to get home now' i say... he gets ticked cuz he hates when i'm demanding... o well, it has to be NOW... so i eat a donut... then i start to eat another... i'm conscious of what i'm doing tho, so i take that one and the rest of the box and throw them into the trash... THERE! HA! TAKE THAT!! i'm literally yelling at the donuts... how psycho is that?!?!?!?!? i spent the rest of the time pacing the livingroom, desperately trying to focus on the episodes of svu to keep my mind off the donuts... even from the trash can they are calling my name... by the time the hubs gets home, which is like 6:30, i'm in tears freaking out... I'M INSANE! i'm completely freaking nuts!!!

we went out to dinner and i comforted myself with a turkey/ham/bacon club with sweet potato fries... not TOO bad of an option... i stayed away from the fried crap and chose wheat bread... so, i ate half the sandwich and looked at the other half... i remembered the word enough... have i had enough? well yes... but, did i end up eating the other half? yeppers... i failed to set the half aside and take it home or something, but i triumphed in that i actually THOUGHT about whether or not i was full!!! that's a start!!! maybe next time i'll have the strength to stop! i don't know... it just felt great to even have that thought...

anyways, we got home and i cuddled up in the hubs's arms and watched the end of the biggest loser... they are looking AMAZING by the way.. i was really rootin for sunshine tho, she's come a LONG way... i did end up eating a jello pudding thing, but then i fell right asleep... today, i've had one cookie and haven't made my way to the lounge for more... i CAN do this dammit...

OA meeting #1

yep, that's right, you are looking at the newest member of OA in my area... i made it to my first meeting last night... but before i get to that, let me start with the beginning...

first of all, yesterday's post listed my goals... OFFICIALLY accomplished all but cleaning up the kitchen... which is okay because i took on another task that i've been putting off for a long time... there's always today with the kitchen, right? anyways, so yes, i went to the y right after school.... here are some pics:

that's me getting on the treadmill... there were only two other guys there... it was nice that it wasn't so busy... i hate when it's crowded

yep, you're reading that right, 45 minutes on the treadmill... it felt really good... i did a 5 min warm-up @ 4mph, then intervals of 10 min @ 6 mph, 5 min @ 4mph, 5 min @ 6 mph, 5 @ 4, 5 @ 6, 5 @ 4, 5 @ 6 and then a 5 min cool-down at 3 mph... my shins were SCREAMING tho!! and today my right knee and both hips hurt a little... but that's ok, it's worth it!

yeah, that's right, that's me in my sweaty glory! look at those hairs on the back of my neck completely soaked... mmmmm, yummy... :)

anyways, i'm really happy i went... right after that i went grocery shopping... i didn't buy anything unneccessary except for sugar free worther's candies... come on, they're only 5 calories per piece... even if i go crazy and eat the whole bag, it's only like 50 calories... i'm cool... then i ate two bowls of beef stew and two and a half biscuits... could have done without the biscuits and should've left it at one bowl of stew, but at least i didn't go overboard! i was really happy about that one... at softball practice i did run around, but unfortunately i was only there for a half an hour because i had my OA meeting... so i didn't get much activity in, but it was still fun... and hey, don't have too much faith in me, i SUCK at softball... it's an adult church league so they have to let me play :)

and now, for the best part of the post - OA... sooooo, it was a little different than what i expected... but i guess i really didn't know what to expect really... it was just a basic meeting... kind of an introduction, but all the members had been there for a while... there was a guy who, at 93 years old, has been coming since the 1970s... they talked a lot about weight loss and little about food... at the end, the leader asked if i had any questions... i said, i guess i just want to know where to start... i mean, if it were the simple case of sugar addiction, it'd be easy to just say 'ok, i'll cut out sugar'... don't get me wrong, it'd still be a tough struggle, but at least i'd have a start... but i'm the classic case of overeater, where i'll eat just about anything... i mean, i'll sit down with an apple, and next thing i know, i'll have eaten 4 or 5... don't ask me where i put it all... so, i asked, what do i do... she said to start with the first step - admitting i'm powerless to food... i said i've already done that, but she asked 'really?' have i REALLY admitted to being powerless? she said to start with the definition of powerless....

Powerless - Function: adjective
Date: 15th century
1 : devoid of strength or resources 2 : lacking the authority or capacity to act

the devoid of strength and resources really hit me... i mean, i've always thought of myself as a pretty strong person... i've never had an addiction to anything... unless you ask the hubby, he'd say clothes... and resources? well i guess OA is one, but i have nothing else to help me out of this addiction... i mean, admitting that i'm powerless is one thing, but finding the true meaning behind it is another... this is just one thing i really have to think about and meditate on...

the leader also told me to look up 'enough'... she said she's contemplated tattooing it on her arm so everytime she lifts her hand to put food in her mouth she'd be reminded of what's enough!

Enough - Pronunciation: \i-ˈnəf, ē-, ə-\
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
: occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations

i found it ironic that the sample sentence in that definition contained the word 'food'.... so, i'm left to question myself on what is enough? is an entire bag of pretzel sticks in one setting enough? or is just a handful? how much food is truly enough to fullfill my health needs... the leader also mentioned writing it on a notecard and sticking it to the fridge as a reminder for everytime i go to get something to eat... i'll tell you one thing though, i've definitely had E.N.O.U.G.H. of this obsession and addiction!!

finally, the leader talked about coming up with a food plan... that's where i'm really going to struggle... i was in weight watchers for years, and all i can think about is the points values for different foods... but my problem was, yeah, i could eat those set points, but was i really getting the true nutrition i needed? i mean, i LOVE milk, but i never drank it when i was on ww because a cup is 2 points... and when your hungry, you don't want to waste points on MILK... and who knows the long term effects of not getting enough calcium... WAIT, there's that word again, enough!

overall, i have to say the OA meeting wasn't a complete waste of time... i got a little out of it, not as much as i had expected... but they stressed several times that this is no quick fix... they mentioned patience in just about everything they said... it's a process that i'll have to work on, not just some overnight revelation and cure... so i'm not going to give up... one person i talked to said the goal is to try at least 6 meetings... if after 6 i think it's not for me, than ok... but at least give it a shot 6 times... so that's what i'm going for - 6 meetings... next monday we have a softball game, so i'll be late to the meeting, but i'm going to go... i'm hungry to find out what's in store (get it, hungry? ha!)

LHA... OA... etc...

first off i'd like to bring it to everyone's attention that bono from u2 is 50 today... love that guy! happy bday!!

ok, on to the more interesting topics... first of all my weekend was a total flop eating-wise... actually 'flop' probably doesn't even come close to explaining it... i went out to lunch on saturday, dinner on saturday night with my mom, breakfast on sunday morning, and dinner on sunday night with my hubby's mom... that's not including all the junk i ate at home, plus TWO donuts on sunday morning and an entire tub of ben and jerry's half baked ice cream... i'm a hot mess here!

let's call this weekend my last hurrah cuz i'm hitting up my first OA meeting tonight!!! I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!! i really hope this helps me... i just can't wait to begin the end of these massive binges... i've always been a very logical person, so i think knowledge of what i can do to mentally stop the cravings will be great for me... i'm soooo mentally exhausted from constantly obsessing about food, i just want to be normal again... i can't wait to be able to post tomorrow on how it went!

also, i BEGGED and pleaded and was allowed in to the LHA challenge (click on photo above for the link)... this stands for long, hot, active summer... it was headed up by The_Exquisite_Christine, so visit her site!! i guess we weigh in every wednesday throughout the summer... i'm not worried about being the one to lose the most amount of weight, because i'm sure there are tons of others in the contest that have more to lose than me, but i want to win the exercise time category (there are prizes for both most weight lost and most time exercising)... i mean, come on, i'm already enrolled in several bike rides for the summer - who's gonna beat my hours on the bike?? lol... anyways, i'm a little late starting, but here is my beginning weight:

there's a lil summin summin stuck on my scale, but yes, that reads 163.5... and YES that's a ladybug tatoo on my toe (i LOVE ladybugs :) ).... anyways, i have to tell you the story as to why i'm so late on weighing in... i was AFRAID to step on the scale... that would mean i'd have to face just how much weight i've gained over the last few months... and i pretty much swore off the scale until june... and i really don't want to go against that, but i'll have to at least step on it once a week... dammmmmmmit... i really don't want to obsess over that number! but, after going to plato's closet to buy some better fitting pants, i decided enough is enough, because i've officially gone from a size 8ish to a 13/14...

i would be depressed, but since i've been taking my anti-anxiety meds on a regular basis lately, i'm physically unable to be sad... (yeah, i'm pretty much a zombie on these meds, which was why i tried to stop taking them... but after going through a really bad bout with depression, i put myself back on them and figured being a zombie is better than having thoughts of suicide)....

SO, i'm excited to announce my daily goals... i'm going to take this slowly and go one day at a time, rather than trying to do the weekly thing... with my binges being so bad, i typically would forget about my goals by the middle of the week and then be really bad off by the end... so for today:

1. go to the y right after school... i figure the y is much slower around 2, 2:30, in the afternoon, so i won't have to face too many people.. i really haven't been there since i started gaining so much weight and really don't want to face the embarrassment of a 25 pound weight gain... so i brought my gym bag to work and plan to hit them up on the way home...

2. go grocery shopping and NOT by junk food.... that's right, no cookies, no chips and NO fake healthy stuff... you know, like the 100 cal pack and stuff... the things i'd usually buy because i figure i'd need a snack and a 100 cal pack isn't too bad... yeah, because then i'd eat the ENTIRE freaking box of 100 cal packs and that adds up fast!

3. eat a good portion size of beef stew... my mom-in-law is inviting us to dinner and she's making her yummy beef stew... let's keep this to a reasonable amount, shall we??

4. really move around at softball practice tonight... last time, i just stood in the outfield and let everyone else run around for the ball... last year, i was super into it and ran around just like everyone else... i need to get back into that pattern... i mean, softball is a great activity to get moving if i actually do so!

5. go to OA... again, super excited!!

6. CLEAN MY ROOM... i was looking for clothes this morning and was so frustrated... i've totally let my room go and my clothes are just in huge piles that fall over... see, the hubs does the laundry... it's always been that way... and i totally LOVE him for it... i HATE doing laundry... but he just folds my stuff and sets it in piles in my bedroom (we sleep in one room, but i consider the spare room my bedroom because i get ready in there and my closet's in there)... which is perfectly fine, i wouldn't expect him to put my clothes away too, but they tend to pile up because i'm lazy!

7. clean up the kitchen... the kitchen is my responsibility... since i went to visit my mom over the weekend and wasn't home, it's atrocious... the sink is kinda stinky from the pizza the hubs made on saturday night... he just left the empty sauce can and everything sitting in there... i mean, i realize i'm supposed to clean the kitchen, but COME ON, at least throw the can away :) o well, no big deal...

so there it is... my plan for the day.... too bad i have this job craziness getting in my way, or i'd have way more time to get it all in and have a little extra to rest... i'm gonna be SO busy tonight!! well i can't wait to check in tomorrow and let y'all know how it went!! happy monday everyone :)

bring your own craziness friday

BYOC thanks to Drazil is full of great questions today... so here goes:

1. Do you have any nicknames?
yes, and i spoke about it in my previous post... my real name is crystal, but somehow it transformed into crycal (pronounced crickle) and was shortened into cryc (pronounced crick)... sometimes, the youngest calles me crikey... don't ask how it got started, it just did and has stuck ever since... even my hubby calls me cryc

2. What was your “last straw”? The incident/situation that made you decide to get a lap band or commit to losing weight via any plan this time?
i don't have a lap band, tho it would be nice to be forced not to eat, i have always been overweight and just decided i'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin all the time... recently i've actually gained, but this will always be my reason to lose...

3. What’s your favorite joke or funny story?
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey, why such a long face? stupidest joke i've ever heard, but the only one i can remember all the time... so i use it... never gets a laugh, but it's a guarantee that the person i tell it to will temporarily forget about his/her troubles (cuz the only thought that comes to mind is 'what a stupid joke'

4. If you could be a TV dinner – what flavor would you be?
ewwww tv dinners? gross....

5. The question we do every week so everyone can be a little famous without having to do an official blog award….what blog or comment stuck with you or spoke to you the most this week and why?
i like reading the posts and comments from lynn on blog to lose... we seem to have a lot in common and share lots of struggles... she's motivating and encouraging when i need it, and i try to be the same for her....

sooooo yesterday was totally not the new monday... and neither is today... o well... there's always this part of me that just wants to give up... we are supposed to only lose 1-2 pounds a week, so you know how long it's gonna take me to lose these 20 pounds i gained over the last month? yeah, about 10 - 20 weeks... that's ENITIRELY too long... i makes me just want to crawl into a hole with a never ending supply of oreos and peanut butter (and milk to wash it all down) and stay for the rest of my life... but i'm not going to give up!! just because i binged this morning doesn't mean i have to tonight, right??

lately a comment was said to me, and i know this person wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she said - boy, for such a small girl, you sure can pack in the food... for one thing, SMALL girl? thanks for the attempt at being nice, but at almost 30 pounds overweight, yeah, not so small... and pack in the food? thanks for making my complex even worse... now i make sure to only take my sandwich into the lounge and eat the rest of my lunch and snacks in my classroom... alone... and by the way, this lady is like half my size... whatev!

anyways, i didn't get to ride my bike to school today for several reasons... one, i had to run an errand on lunch and two, it was supposed to rain all afternoon... yeah, well, good job weather.com, you freaking liar... it's nice and sunny.... soooooo, maybe after meeting a friend at the mall for a little bit right after school, i'll try to get some miles behind me....

so what's everyone doing for mother's day?? i'm visiting my mom and taking her out to dinner on sunday... she lives two hours away from me, so i don't see her often enough... and i miss her... so that'll be wonderful! i should take my stepmom and nana cards too, which i'll prob do sometime saturday... other than that, to all you moms and stepmoms - happy mother's day! have a great weekend!!

meet sally

ok, so this one needs a little background... one day, i was driving along minding my own business with my youngest stepdaughter in the car (she must have been about 10 at the time, so three years ago approx.)... all of a sudden, this lady pulls out in front of me... we almost hit! AND i saw her in the car blubbering about something and giving ME a dirty look like it was MY fault! so, forgetting about my stepdaughter and letting my teensy (ok lotsa) road rage take over, i flipped her off... my stepdaughter goes "CRYCAL!!" (that nickname i have no story for... just one day it evolved from crystal and stuck.... now she calls me either crycal or crikey and the older one and my husband call me cryc)... anyways, so i blamed it on my alter-ego 'sally'... right there, at that moment, it just blurted out of my mouth and has stuck around ever since... anytime i do something bad, we always blame it on 'sally'... for example, one time, my stepdaughter and i were at the salvation army and the yellow tagged items were half off... and we were trying to find a cheap shirt for a halloween costume... we found one, but it had a blue tag... so we switched the tag with something else that had a yellow one... i know i know, who rips off the SALVATION ARMY right? well, sally of course...

so last night, after a huge binge, i had a revelation... it's SALLY! sally, my evil alter-ego, is coming to life and forcing me to eat everything in the house! hey, if drazil can name her fat (click here for one of the most hilarious and highly recommended blogs you will ever read), i can blame my binges on sally... which, sally and i are one, so it's not like i'm that much of a whack job to try to blame it on another person, or that i actually believe it's a split personality or something...

so anyways, yeah, sally visited last night... i did good, well ok, relatively good, for all of monday and tuesday... then BAM wednesday started with about five after school snacks... then supper (three tacos, in celebration of cinco de mayo of course)... then everything in the house... it got to the point where i was on my way from the kitchen to the livingroom and my hubby grabbed both of what i was holding (pretzels and peanut butter, yum) and said STOP... he ended up relenting and giving me back the pretzels, but i never did get to eat the peanut butter :(... it didn't stop at the pretzels, but after that i only ate about three more things before i finally quit (at which point my stomach was sooooo full i couldn't breathe)...

my question to myself - what triggers this? i had a great day yesterday... seriously? i eat when i'm happy AND when i'm depressed?? GREAT... now i'm going to have to be completely emotionless for the rest of my life... or maybe angry all the time... grrrrrrrr... nope, that's not going to work...

either way, i'm not going to let this ruin my whole week for once... that's my usual pattern... i make the decision to start over again - on monday... why always start on monday? so thursday is the new monday... and if necessary, so is friday... i always do great great on mondays because it's a fresh new start... no matter how i'm feeling that day, i have the courage to start over and try again... even though i've already had two and a half cookies and a brownie this morning.. if i can just keep it to that minimum....

well anyways, it's thursday... that means one more day and then it's the weekend again!! yay!!

who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all.........

ok so WHY is the mary tyler moore theme song playing in my head this morning? total emotional high baby!

i FINALLY went through my closet last night, digging for clothes that i may have forgotten to donate when i lost a bunch of weight... some 'fat' clothes that somehow got skipped over... and glory be to GOD i found a SKIRT! i found a skirt that fit! and, being that it's beautiful out (sorry to Syl over at Live, Smile, Run because she's desperate for nice weather and it's just not cooperating in her area), i figured i'd wear it to school today... and i did! and i found a brightly colored tee to go with... the shirt hugs my belly a little more than i'd like, BUT since the skirt fits so darn well, there is, for once, no front- or back-fat hanging over... so i feel much more comfortable!

and then, on my way out the door, BAM - the MTM theme song hit me... and now it's stuck in my head :) such a peppy little song... with uplifting lyrics too... and i have NO FREAKING IDEA where it came from.. you know how long it's been since i've seen that show? i mean, i don't watch the tv land channel that plays all those reruns or anything... how odd... all these random thoughts that enter my mind and take over... just like my food obsessions... i mean, seriously, WTF? where do those thoughts come from that tell me to just eat and eat and eat? where does this silly song come from which is now BLARING in my head? i swear my hormones are on crack....

WARNING, FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS NOT FOR THE EASILY GROSSED OUT :) so speaking of tv shows, anyone watch that 'you are what you eat' show on BBC America? well one of the recurring issues in the show is that they always examine everyone's poo... which is utterly disgusting if you ask me... but i've found it somewhat interesting that they put so much attention on the peoples' first FLOATING poo... what does that mean? should our poo really float? cuz i haven't had one of those, in, well, i guess i can't remember because i never paid attention until i watched that show... i guess, according to the host lady, the more healthy food you eat, the less smelly and more floaty your poo will be... well LET. ME. TELL. YOU... my hubby must not eat very healthily (if that's even a word), cuz we have to leave the house after he's been to the potty :)

anyways, enough nastiness for the day... PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE! you'll turn the world on! well, hopefully in a nonsexy sort of way... but seriously, smile... even if it's just for a second... it can make all the difference... you're gonna make it after all ;)

this one is for you...

i don't usually post twice a day, but today i feel compelled to do so... this post goes out to everyone! all bloggers!! and all non-bloggers who'll never read this... it's like a prayer for everyone...

i read up on a LOT of blogs pretty diligently, and it seems that a growing trend was march/april were really tough months... even some of the, in my opinion, strongest people really had a hard time with their weight and food... myself included!

so, this i pray, that everyone find what they're looking for in may... not just getting back into the swing of things, but the reasons behind why those few months were so hard... was it stress? if so, i pray you find relief... was it weakness of some sort? if so, i pray you find strength... was it fear? if so, i pray you find courage...

honestly, we will all have our ups and downs... we will all fall flat on our faces... but we can push through it... what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?

tired today...

sooooooo i woke up in the middle of the night last night worrying... just plain old worrying... about this that and everything! it kept me up for two hours... i don't really know why either... and as hard as i tried, i just couldn't go back to sleep... the lack of rest then led me to be too exhausted to ride my bike to work today :( i mean, i probably could have pushed through it, but i let myself have a break...

anyways, yesterday was SO on plan! my first day in over two weeks... i'm really striving for my limited snacks goal this week... i figure - start out small and work my way up... as a matter of fact, i didn't have NOT ONE afterschool snack! i didn't eat a thing until dinner! and then i had to rush through dinner because i had to cover for someone's boot camp class... right after that my stepdaughter had a band concert... so when i got home, i had a salad and a pear... and the entire thing of strawberries... once i started i just couldn't stop... i did put a tiny dab fat free redi-whip on each strawberry, but that couldn't possibly add up to too many calories... see, classic overeater - even though they were only strawberries and not cookies for once, i still had to stuff myself with them... but, i'd say the only downfall to my day was the donut i had in the morning... and even that was a small one, so that's ok, right? (i know i know, i'm just trying to justify it, but oh well)...

this morning i brought some cream of wheat to school for breakfast... i also had a big cup of coffee with hazelnut flavored creamer... i guess it's still not the best way to start the day, but it's not the worst either... and if i can keep my snacks to a bare minimum, i'll be ok... i've decided not to limit myself on what i want to eat, just limit the amounts... i am DEATHLY afraid to step on that scale though... my clothes are even tighter than ever, so i'm really just protecting myself from truly seeing how much weight i gained... i don't need to hit that massive downward spiral again and make things even worse! i am going to give myself the month of may to focus on little thinks (like the snacking) and not so much on the number on the scale... i can do this!

i feel thin....

...until i look in the mirror... or at another woman... why does it seem that lately everyone is losing weight while i just get bigger and bigger... on saturday morning, while at boot camp class, i looked around and realized i was the biggest woman in there... i seriously wanted to scream COME ON, WHERE ARE MY FAT PEEPS THIS MORNING?!?!?! unreal :(

since it's warmer, i REALLY have no clothes to wear... all of my capris are too small for me... so i picked the best of the worst and came to work... fortunately, they seem to be getting looser as the day goes on, so i'm feeling a little better about how i look... but i did notice how much chubbier my face is looking... my weight gain is nearing 20 pounds now... i refuse to weigh myself anymore... it just depresses me even more!

anyways, i'm so jealous of my hubby... my otherwise wonderful man is a complete JERK... and you know why? he's lost over 40 pounds... while i should be so happy for him, i'm filled with anger... i really try not to show it... i try really hard to be supportive.. i mean, he's in ONEderland now! that's GREAT! and he doesn't even work out! yeah, not at all... nice huh? must be really freaking nice! ;)

ok enough whining... today is another new start... my goal for the week - limit snacks! only two, one right after school and one at night... and they have to be healthy choices... this is my version of weening myself off of my out-of-control binging! i hope it works! this past weekend was nothing but a huge binge fest... i mean, eating until my stomach hurt... so NO MORE! my sanity just can't take it... and i seriously am not going to weigh myself... i want to judge my weight based solely on how i feel and how my clothes fit... for instance, this morning, i really had a hard time painting my toenails... my stomach is really in the way... NO MORE! limit snacks... okay, i can do this!

good morning...

...because, well, it is, finally, a good morning! and good morning to all :)

i'm so sorry for all the self-loathing and awful posts... when i created this blog, i tried making a promise to myself - never have a negative post... i mean, some things could be negative, but there HAD to be something positive mixed in... well, lately, i just haven't had anything positive to say...

but i, for the first time in quite a while, i feel great this morning... maybe it's because of all the negative posts i've written... maybe getting those feelings out have created a sense of relief... or maybe it's all the talking i've done with my husband... i'm not longer alone inside my head, because he finally knows what i've been dealing with... he still doesn't completely understand, but man is he trying his damnedest to be supportive... and he's doing a wonderful job...

sooooooooo on to why i feel great... last night, i had a great bike ride... i'm training for a 150 mile ride in june and so i ride quite often... my favorite times are when i ride with the group that i'm a part of... they are called the saddle soars cycling club (or something like that) and i've just joined recently as a part of doing the ms 150 ride... they are a great group of people, and they range greatly in riding ability... i'm a part of the 'c' group - 'a' meaning elite and practically pro, 'b' being a step down and 'c' being newbies and those who just like a casual ride... WELL last night, some 'a' guys came... and LET. ME. TELL. YOU... they are 'a' for a reason... they probably looked at me thinking holy this girl rides a bike? i mean, one of my thighs was two of theirs combined! they ride at an average of over 20 mph on a CASUAL ride!

we started off, and i was keeping up with them pretty well... that's when my usual 'c' group kind of fell behind... then these geniuses got us lost... they all argued about which way we were supposed to go... now, i'm not familiar at all with the roads that we were riding, but i had a feeling we missed a turn awhile back... being a newbie and extremely uncomfortable saying anything, i just kept my mouth shut... so needless to say, i was forced to keep up with them... and I DID! and at the end, a couple of them complimented me on riding so well... on the outside i held my head up and said thank you, no problem, it was fun, blah blah blah... but in my head i was bawling and crying!! not only in pain but in happiness... going up those hills, i barely kept up... by the top, boy, i was huffing and puffing... my legs were BURNING! but they didn't need to know all that, right? it really was rather funny, looking back now...

anyways, it was a real confidence booster... i may not be to their level, but i'm well on my way... and it truly was enjoyable... and for that hour and a half, i didn't think about food... that was the biggest relief... too bad i had stuffed myself horribly before we went... my stomach hurt and several times i thought i was gonna lose it all, right there on the side of the road... how embarrassing would that have been!?!?! but i kept it all in.. and because my stomach was so full and i felt so sick, i went home and didn't eat a SINGLE THING for the rest of the night!! no after dinner snack, before bedtime snack, after bedtime snack, etc etc etc... nope... not one...

tho i AM back with the same struggles this morning as always - when will i get to eat again?! but hey, at least, for one evening, i was relieved of my mental duties as an insane overeater... it was refreshing and a feeling i desperately crave again... too bad they don't ride every night! AND it made me feel so good this morning... as a matter of fact i actually enjoyed my ride to work today... don't get me wrong, i love riding my bike... but riding back and forth to work has become rather daunting... but i will force myself to continue for the sake of training for the ride...

anyways, enjoy your day... enjoy your weekend!

incapable of loving myself

i'm really struggling here folks... i read all kinds of blogs and often a general theme is how much everyone sees that they should love themselves and respect their bodies and blah blah blah... yeah? well love this: i wake up in the morning (feeling like p diddy... j/k j/k) and put on pants that don't fit... all of my wardrobe is too tight... every last pair of pants... my belly hangs over the top in the front and backfat over the back... i look in my full length mirror and cry... every. single. morning.... then, i go to school with a fresh start... i can't eat food that doesn't exist, right? so i only pack a decent lunch and small snack for breakfast... good start... except then i see the coffee and flavored creamer... yummy! one large cup, down the pipe.... then comes lunch... never fails, SOMEONE in this freaking school had a birthday... i swear, they were all born on different days... so needless to say, the leftovers are in the lounge... one large piece of cake/cupcake/cookie/donut down the pipe... yummy! then i eat lunch and barely manage through the rest of the afternoon...................

then comes the after school snack... before dinner snack... dinner... after dinner snack... evening snack... before bedtime snack... and sometimes even after-bedtime-when-i-really-should-be-sleeping-but-instead-i'm-standing-in-front-of-the-open-fridge snack (woo that was hard to write with all the hyphens... seriously, try writing without hitting the spacekey :) )...

then it's hit the hay and wake up to too tight pants and more crying.... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.... please tell me how to love that...

last night started decent... had the after school snacks and before dinner snacks, but all were decent and relatively healthy... then, we had pizza... and i made my hubby order me the veggie lovers thin crust from pizza hut... YUMMMMY! i didn't think i'd like it but let me tell you, that was soooo good... not as good as my ultimate favorite - meat lovers pan crust - but still really good... and only 4 points a piece :) so if i ate two pieces, i was well within my range for the night... but i had three... and then pretzels... and then more pretzels, but this time dipped in cheese... yummy.... and then about an entire sleeve of double stuffed oreos with chocolate milk... and then half the thing of chips ahoy cookies... yummy... and then, since i was so full my stomach actually hurt, i ate a thing of yogurt and fell asleep...

woke up, put on my too tight pants, and bawled my eyes out... my hubby, as loving as he is, just said 'STOP'... meaning behind that - stop because i'm so tired of you crying and me having to listen to you crying and bawling at 7 in the morning when i should still be sleeping...

how can he even love me? i wasn't like this when we got together... not even when we got married and i obsessed with losing weight for the wedding... no, this has grown and gotten so much worse over the last year... so you can't say he is with me regardless, because it wasn't there before... so when i have to wonder how HE could love me, i really really REALLY have to wonder how i'm supposed to love myself!

yesterday, i read a blog from someone talking about how they need to find an oa meeting... curiousity getting to me, i looked 'oa' up in google... come to find out, it's a group for compulsive eaters! i read through all the literature i could find and BAM! i think i've found what i need!

i told my hubby about it and he was like you don't need that! i really had to explain myself... i didn't realize that he had NO CLUE what i've been going through over the last few months... well DUH... he's not a mind reader! and most of my compulsiveness is hidden... i eat crap loads of food when no one is around! so then he said, well you are beautiful in my eyes and i love your body and you aren't obese... well no... i'm not obese... YET... i go through my ups and downs, which have been much more in the downs lately, but i haven't hit obesity yet... but oa isn't just for the obese... as a matter of fact, it isn't even just for the overweight... some of the people are even underweight... like, anorexic, i'm assuming... so i explained that to him...

i think he understands so much better now, but understanding still doesn't necessarily mean he'll be able to take this much longer... not only am i afraid for my own health - mental and physical - i'm afraid for my emotional state as well... what happens when i lose him to all this??

so i put in a call to the leader that i found online yesterday... she didn't call me back last night, but hopefully i'll still hear from her... and if i don't, the meetings are on mondays, and so i'll just show up... i'm praying that they still take place... PLEASE GOD.... i need help!

i'm sorry you've had to read all this depressing crap... i just had to get it out.... i had to get out all the deep emotional trama i've let myself become victim to... and it's all my fault, which i know... and i don't have to come out of denial or anything, so if the first step is admitting a problem, i'm there baby! i just need the help on how to fix it all... i just needed to get this all out in writing... i feel a little better already... til i find the solution tho, i'm completely incapable of loving myself... there, i said it... i've never thought of myself to be incapable of anything... dammit